I know that the root of my addiction isn't cured. Meaning that so many of my thought patterns and feelings inside are still the same. I know how tempting it is for me still (14 months sober) to just want to give up when things get tough. I feel so exhausted.
I read threads about relapse after significant amounts of sober time and I wonder why, what happened there, what is their achilles heel. Then quick turn round and ask myself what mine are.
Yesterday got some real chilling news that is pushing all my panic buttons...right now I am still hypervigilant, knowing drinking is never the answer...but even so I have heard the little voice in the back of my head saying "yeah, but if this really goes to the bad place and feels hopeless...you can reach for relief THEN."
I know it's still in there. Some crazy part of me still feels like it's an option...if all else fails.
Some people's posts imply that they give drinking another try when things are going well, when they figure there is no danger they will be tempted to overdo it.
I don't know....life never really quits coming at us. I've never really had a time when I can switch on the cruise control and enjoy the scenery. Life scares the heck out of me sober...but I have a chance at making it, drunk...I'm done for.