Good morning, Mayans!
Congrats on 90 days, WeHav!!!
I wanted to share something with all of you that is part of something I wrote on the March thread:
Today is my Day 30 (I just looked it up). I am not really celebrating until I hit 60 days because I did 30 before and want to feel more solid before celebrating this time. But I am quietly very gratified to have made it this far. Not only for staying totally sober, but also for the changes in thinking I am noticing. You are all so supportive but I am asking you to hold the congrats in check :-)
It's like a stuck switch suddenly flipped from on to off. I feel the way I did when I successfully quit for long periods of time before but with an added dash of age thrown in and the realization that my body can't take anymore of this. And unlike when I was much younger, I am no longer suicidal and want to see this life unfold to wherever it takes me. If I were to drink, life would be much shorter and I would miss a lot.
There are many, many alcoholics out there. Not only of the "drink until wasted" variety, but I think there are far more people than we think who are "closet" alcoholics like I was.
I had a very sharp therapist who I started with during a time of great turmoil. After about 8 years of seeing him first twice a week and then once a week, I finally told him about my drinking. He was either 1) totally surprised or 2) knew it and acted totally surprised. I hadn't thought about the 2nd possibility until now. Since substance abuse problems among those of us with a history of childhood sexual abuse is very common, I strongly suspect he had guessed it.
Some of us can manage just enough control to avoid a public spectacle but that doesn't mean we don't have the same problem. I have a friend who is an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in many years. She is very prim and proper and you'd never guess it in a million years. Even today, I could (and not long ago have) nursed one glass of wine for an hour or more. But when alone I could just as easily get wasted. So I can't nurse that single glass because I know where it would inevitably lead.
I doubt that I am genetically an alcoholic (none in my family) but I believe that early heavy drinking (in college and after) altered my brain chemistry so that now I am an alcoholic. I've had enough lengthy "dry" spells to know with certainty that this isn't going to change, ever. So it's high time that I simply accept and live with it. And the true reality is that it's not a deprivation to stop drinking alcohol (or any drug) - it provides a momentary high and then exacts such a very high price for that fleeting feeling. We then spend our lives chasing that fleeting feeling. What a colossal waste! Going there again is simply not an option.
As you've probably guessed, I'm in the process of verbalizing my thinking as a part of cementing my changing attitudes about drinking.
I suspect that now, in my late sixties, I am finally growing up
I'll do shout-outs later today or tomorrow but wanted to share this with all of you, my dear friends.
Lots of love and hugs,
Sass