4 days in.
Hi all,
I have been sober for four days. I have gone four days before without alcohol, have actually gone weeks and occasionally the a 30 day period or so. The times I went 30 days without it was usually because I did something stupid and embarrassing I regretted and wanted to "prove to myself" and to others that I could stop drinking and be fine. Never had the intention to quit drinking completely however, and of course I have done plenty of stupid things since while drunk.
The cravings aren't unbearable and I'm not really having withdrawal effects, I suppose my body hadn't developed quite the dependence on it yet that my mind had...I am managing okay...but it is all still very surreal.
It's like I haven't really convinced myself this is happening or what I'm going to do, but so far i keep doing it, so that is good. I have been to two AA meetings so far and have felt good at both and wanted to leave and immediately go to another one. Even got a woman's info today...feel positive about meeting people in this way.
But even as I say the words "I'm an alcoholic" out loud, it is like inside I don't have myself fully convinced I believe that is true. Even though another part of me inside knows I am supposed to be on this sober journey. I keep telling myself in my head "i have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol" to keep myself on track because I have such a problem with labels and am afraid that word is going to take me off the path by causing resistance in me.
I haven't had the guts to tell anyone but my ex-boyfriend that I started AA (Him leaving for rehab and having been gone for 3 months has been what made it sink in that I too had a problem). It is less about shame that I started going and more about the shame I'd feel if I told people and then don't keep going...probably because i haven't been able to accept I'm an alcoholic...I tell my sister and mom everything (or so i thought, clearly I haven't because I wasn't even telling myself the truth about everything) and I feel guilty not sharing this part of my life with them.
Not sure if what advice I'm looking for...I guess maybe just wondering how others told people they were choosing to change their lifestyle path and if/when they actually resonated with the word "Alcoholic."
Oh and I didn't have anything tragically obvious happen to me like a dui, accident, overdose, or anything; haven't left for rehab, so there'd be no way for people to know I joined AA without me telling them.