Thanks for the amazing feedback, I am very grateful for this forum and getting it all out on that day really helped. Your responses have been awesome and, just what I needed to hear. And as for the first reply by neferkmichael, that is humbling to know that I can't expect it all to change just by stopping the drinking. I believe however that my anxiety and irrational paranoia was exagerated by the withdrawals. Oak, I don't have health insurance or money for therapy, this for me is therapy, and as for meds I don't trust FDA approved anything, especially to do with pharmaceuticals but I am thinking about trying st. johns wort or some natural antidepressents, but I would rather do without. I know that if I got a script for Xanax or a sedative it would all be over and it wouldn't be long before I'm snorting it. Britgirl, thank you for your response that means a lot, and yes there is a very great group of young people working the steps in the high rockies region of CO- shame I left on the note I did but that's done and said.. I'm hoping to find a good group up here.
Update- I'm on the eve of day 7 and for the first time today, after a night of somewhat decent sleep, I felt inspired and the anxiety is dissipating. I can think more clearly and felt excitement for life, it's like I woke up and realized I'm in Alaska and the summer is just kicking off.. longboarding, hiking, and writing all have been interests of mine that were obscured from the constant drinking (with the exception of latenight drunk longboard sesh's on the highway that almost ended with me being dead) and I am regaining interest and inspiration to get back into them, also excited for travelling sober as I'll be able to truly get the most of it and enjoy it.
SO I'm feeling good, got a lot of healing to do now and steps to start working- I can't believe how different today feels than even yesterday. Knock on wood because I hope it gets better and I know I can't change over night, I want to do it right this time!! I believe if I can pull through this, my story can help people. If I relapse though, my story doesn't mean ****. That's partially what's keeping me sober. Too soon for speculation though I'm getting too far ahead of myself.. point is I feel good today and that's just the inspiration I needed besides your awesome encouragement and support. Still fighting urges (a cold mexican beer sounds so good, but then I think in my head what I feel like after pounding 20 of them) and probably will be for a while. Thinking about trying out O'douls or something just to have the taste of beer without alcohol, anyone try this?
Thank you again for the amazing support.