Day 4- Broken, alcoholic and desperate

Old 05-17-2013, 02:21 AM
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Day 4- Broken, alcoholic and desperate

Hey, my name is Chuck and I am alcoholic. I am 24 years old. I don't want to bore you with my life story or why I'm here, as most of you already know why but heres a run down..

I've been drinking since age 13. I had black outs in highschool, got in fights, went to rehab four times and was put on probation. I did a combined total of 23 months in rehab/juvenile facilities and was expelled from my high school, and was also kicked out of the alternative learning center because I was so hungover in class I refused to do any work. So age 16, already a highschool dropout, I turned to selling drugs.. My dad put a lease on an apartment, bought me a used car and my godfather gave me a job at furniture warehouse hoping I would succeed and refrain from using..

well, I wrecked the car within months and got my first DUI, sold drugs out of my apartment and was evicted after excessive partying and a police raid, lost my job after being apprehended for four felony drug charges. I had a baby boy on the way and was facing being certified as an adult for three to four years. I was two months away from eighteen and received an 8 month sentence in juvenile medium security jail. My baby was born Dec. 13th, 2006 and I wasn't there for it. As ****** as that was, I was very lucky. My life would be very different had I gone to prison. Maybe for the better?

Six years later after being released at age 18, I have had little sobriety, but have been in the program several times due to hitting bottom again and again. I would show up feeling like extreme **** about my life, sober up, feel that I could drink again and go back out. Again, and again.. Since my family basically gave up on me I was travelling drunk working jobs across the southwest and none of these jobs ended on good terms. I was constantly hungover, and would usually just stop showing up when I got into a long and hard binder. I would then go to another city or state only to scam the next potential employer into giving me a job, always ending with me screwing them over because I was drunk.

I found AA a few times, once in Vail Colorado and had a great network of support and a great job, I made it a week before I started drinking again. There was no reason for me to relapse.. Things were actually getting better. I had an excellent sponsor and new friends and I was snowboarding every day. Once, I went to the liquor store, called a friend in the program after trying to fight the urge, he came to pick me up and we went and watched movies with some sober kids and he took me to two meetings back to back.. Brought me home, told me to call him if I had any more urges and told me he believed in me and that I was doing great. Within minutes of getting out of his car I was pounding beers with my ski 'buddies', after all it was my reward and MY right since I had made it seven days!

I started right where I left off and drank nearly a case a day, woke up feeling extremely terrible and remorseful and promised myself that day was the day. Well, I've had literally hundreds of last days because by the time the liquor store opened I was buying 40s and 6 packs and shooters. I was absolutely miserable. It got to the point where I wasn't having fun anymore, hardly got a buzz, and my only chance of happiness was a 5-10 minute euphoria after slamming a 24 oz or taking a shot of whiskey in the morning. I haven't really stopped since then and that was about two months ago..

Well, now I am in Alaska (I scammed another job after getting a good reference in Vail, only to get drunk and never to show up again to the lift department) and I am working the summer at a wilderness lodge with my girlfriend in the Kenai peninsula. Probably one of the coolest, most wildest places I have ever been to. When I got here I was miserable and didn't appreciate the fact that I was looking at breathtaking beauty all around me, glaciers, oceans and mountains.. in fact all I was thinking about was having my next beer. I got my sixpack, gave one to my girlfriend and was damn near finished with my five before she even finished hers. That was sunday evening.

Something happened inside of me monday morning when I realized I can't do this anymore. I can't scam and drink my way through life, this is my last chance, and now that the "good times" are finally over. Okay, maybe it's the fact that I'm in the middle of f**cking nowhere Alaska, broke, with no liquor store. It's like I'm completely cut off. But the anxiety I have been feeling these past few days is killing me. I can barely even recognize myself as if I've lost my own identity. I talk different, The first few days I couldn't even look at someone in the face when they speak to me. This is bad as I am in a highpaced kitchen job and don't have alcohol to calm my nerves. I always feel like I'm being watched, and am afraid to interact with people I don't trust which at this point is nearly everyone.

The paranoia.. and regret of my entire life wasted is unbearable. I have a six year old son who thinks I'm only the guy that comes to hang out with him once every couple of months or even years. He calls my ex finacee's boyfriend dad, and as painful as it is right now I have to accept that. I can't believe what I've come to and believe I don't deserve this job in Kenai. If I f**ck this up it's all over. I have nearly destroyed my entire life, and if I continue that life I might as well be comitted.

I am grateful to have made it four days. I must say it is getting better, but the anxiety is becoming almost unbearable to the point where I think the only way out of this shitstorm mindf**k is suicide.. these are just thoughts though and I don't intend to act on them. I just want to be normal, like I thought I was when I had a good buzz on and actually felt good about my piece of s**t life and could talk to people and actually seem genuinely interested in conversation. I thought things were good when I was drinking, now that I stopped I realized I'm just a paranoid, ex junkie freak with a mental disorder.

Anyway, sorry for the long post and I hope there may be some veterans of this horrific disease with some time under their belt, or even people going through what I'm going through, who may be able to shed some light on why I feel this way.. advice or insight, your own story, whatever it may be, I would be greatly appreciative, thank you for your time of day to read this it means everything..
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:54 AM
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Life Health Prosperity
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Turnz, 4 days sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. I'm 2 years 10 months sober and I guess I was expecting anxiety, anger, and other bad emotions to go away, but it ain't gonna happen. There are plenty of normal world problems that can produce anxiety and what have you. What I have is one less problem in my life by not drinking. I can honestly say my life is better if I don't drink. The reason why I don't drink is because I became an alcoholic. If I drink alcohol I cant do without it. Rootin for ya, you can do it.
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:55 AM
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Hi Chuck

Thanks for sharing this.

I don't have any mind blowing life changing advice for you I'm afraid as I only have 33 days myself and am definitely no veteran. The only thing I can really say is that my own sobriety becomes easier to maintain if I can keep on top of my mental health problems, (clinical depression & generalised anxiety disorder). For me this started with getting the right medication mix and trying to put some nutrition in my body each day which sounded impossible to me at the time and most days I just ate crap but tried to add a couple of apples or a smoothie to the general crap. Gradually I got a little better at this so referred myself for CBT which gradually helped me to see how negative my thinking patterns had become and whilst I can't say that I often think positively now I can see the negativity and its effect on my mood and in turn the effect this has on the strength of my cravings on any given day. You mentioned your own mental health struggles and was wondering if you're getting appropriate advice, meds etc for this?

It's sounds like you had a really good connection with AA in Colorado, is this something you think you could pick up in Alaska?

You come across in your post as an intelligent and creative guy who could move mountains if you could find something positive to channel yourself into, you deserve better than what your getting right now so please, please don't give up!!!

Keep posting and let us all know how you're getting on. Prayers and best wishes going out to you and yours. Hope you find what you need really soon.
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Old 05-17-2013, 03:21 AM
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Love them anyway...
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The only thing I can share is what has worked for me.

I attend AA, have a sponsor and follow suggestions when I ask for help.

It may sound simple, because it is, ....not always easy, but always simple.

The simplicity works for me, keeps me focused on what is in front of me, and helps me mind my own business. lol

Keep reaching out. Youre not alone.
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Old 05-17-2013, 03:42 AM
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Welcome. Glad you found us.

I think SMART Recovery and AA both have online meetings, if there are no meetings in your area. But of course, people get sober without meetings too. You mentioned mental health issues. Do you have access to therapy or medication- some way to treat those issues too?

I feel very desperate when I drink. Sobriety is so much easier (even with the frequent voice of why I should try drinking again). There is still hard stuff to deal with sober, but at least I can work through it when I am sober.

I hope you find the support you need. You still have so much of your life in front of you. You can turn this around.

And getting sober will make a huge difference in your son's life. Do not underestimate your importance in his life. My own life was dramatically improved when my mom started to get sober when I was young- It made a huge difference in my life, even though I would have said that I was not all that close to her then.
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Old 05-17-2013, 03:51 AM
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Turnz, you've made a huge step in posting what you did! You stated you wish you were "normal" guess what you are! If any "non addicted" person lived your life and drank the way so many if us did, they would also be a slave to alcohol. That's the nature of it.

It's not a question of whether you strong enough good enough if a person! At this point it's physical. And on dsy four you are almost past the intense physical part. When your head clears you, we must move on to the mental emotional part. Figure out what we/you were trying to escape from in the first place.

Be good to yourself eat well sleep read and keep posting it really help to write your feelings and revelations because here you are " normal"!!!

If you take the alcohol out of the achoholic you are lift with "ick!!!" Figuring out the "ick" is the key to success.

Regarding your son it's never to late to change your role in his life. Maybe he calls someone else "dad" but he's got your blood running through him.

You can do this and there is a huge community here to help support and listen to your struggles and accomplishments!!

Be well and good luck friend!
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:20 AM
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is ☞ optimistic.
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Constantly detoxing off of alcohol with all the nasty symptoms like high anxiety, stress, mild to moderation depression, irritable, short tempered...can persist weeks after your last drinks or longer with PAWS. Managing or resolving those symptoms as guickly as you can would help you have some balance and calm in your life.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:39 AM
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Seward & Cooper Landing Alaska - AA Meeting Schedule
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Old 05-17-2013, 05:21 AM
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Hi. Sugarbear1 included the most important piece of AA literature, I hope you use it. I like a lot of others finally got honest with myself after the pain that alcohol caused was unbearable. #1 was we admitted that our lives are unmanageable and if we don't pick up the first drink we DON'T have to get sober again! Simple, but not always easy. As your probably experiencing a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix happily. Hang on even at the rate of I minute at a time. This may be a good remember when for you that you never repeat. BE WELL
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Old 05-17-2013, 06:09 AM
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I don't think you realize how much your posting helps us who are still new to sobriety. I need to remember how miserable it is if I go back out and pick up. I appreciate your sharing and hope you come back and stay in touch with the SR group. Thank you, you've helped me. I am only 4 months sober and this is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. It is simple but not easy. Feel free to PM me if you need. You have the majority of your life to turn this thing around. You're way ahead of the game if you chose recovery.
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Old 05-17-2013, 06:14 AM
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The Long and Winding Road....
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Hi Tarnz

Hi Tarnz.....what an awesome post

It seems that you have had a few rock bottoms, but this is a decisive moment in your life....its good not to lose touch with that desolation and utter despair...The disease of alcoholism wants you to forget that....Throw yourself into which ever program of recovery works for you, boots and all, and trust that things will get better.

Cos they do and we are here for you.

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Old 05-17-2013, 06:24 AM
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Great post Turnz...good for you putting it all out there. It helped you create a timeline of destruction so tp speak. I'm glad you found this site. Cybersupport has been great for me, specifically this site. I hope you continue to utilize us! You may be remote (I'm looking forward to Alaska in July!) but you can learn a lot through reading recovery-based books and there are a ton of science/research based articles on line. This will get easier. You are giving yourself (and your son) a great gift!
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Old 05-17-2013, 07:22 AM
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Turnz. I suspect that by the time I wrote this you will bein a nasty detox situation or that you you will have turned the corner and be on the mend. I hope its the latter.

It was only in retrospect that i could see how twisted my thinking was. What got you here won't get you there. things didn't change for me until i decided to embrace sobriety unconditionally.
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Old 05-17-2013, 07:39 AM
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Wow, what a great post! You didn't mention that you write very well. I'll bet you have a whole bunch of good qualities you haven't mentioned. As the mind starts to clear thoughts of regret can come pouring in. The same happened to me and I finally discovered that the only way I'll get well is to dive right in and face my fears and issues. Head on. Don't give up man. There's a better world waiting.
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:46 AM
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7 Days

Suicide is never an answer, I know because I was there a few times on matters unrelated to ALCOHOL, but in reality probably directly related in the long run to my heavy drinking... to cut a long story short I was on top of a building in Morocco looking down and thinking of jumping (I had actually sought out the highest open ledge point I could find in Casablanca for this purpose)... I fully intended jumping when two things happened

1) Something by George Harrison starting blasting out of a window directly below in the hotel I was above and

2) I thought with my luck I will hit some other poor ******* and NOT KILL myself..

but really hearing that magic song made me stop and wait..

In the lead up to this event I had years of death threats from former business partnes most of whom are either in jail or dead now... I had left my family, moved overseas and around the world to many differing cities in hiding... I had only the week before been raided by the FBI and IRS agents on a tax matter.... had zero money.... millions in debt and was hated universally by the only people who mattered to me..

OP - In your case you are young, 23 is very young and really no matter how anxious you get from your "sobriety" just treat it as it is... AN old Vietnam vet told me this.... no matter what you are thinking or feeling just treat it as another life experience..... up to your knees in rice paddy water for 3 months soaking wet with Viet Cong shooting at you... just accept it..

ANXIOUS and scared of not drinking just deal with it

If I followed his wisdom 10 years ago I would not be in the positions I am now..

I STOPPED DRINKING 7 DAYS AGO... today is day 8

Day 1 - hungover after 3 bottles of Champagne, no problem
Day 2 - migraines, severe anxiety, diarhea, godawful
Day 3 - worse then 2 with vomiting blood
Day 4 - the shakes but head better
Day 5 - No pain but I am in mourning because I killed off my best friend of 30 years (the wine bottle)

Day 6 - Why did I stop, I feel ok
Day 7 - severe pains in my liver and head and elbows, I hate the world
Day 8 - I have a bad migraine and severe diarrhea

I started to stop drinking 2 years ago after watching that Dr Drew show "Celebrity Rehab"... but I got worse... I went from 1 bottle of red wine a day everyday to 2-3 bottles everyday.... Between 2006-2010 I would go months where I drank everyday but only 1 bottle or so... then 2011 it was everyday bar 2 days a week but much more wine (2-4 bottles a day everyday).. I went all of 2011 without one day off... then in 2012 I stopped, started again, stopped, started again EVERY WEEK.... I went through that painful rehab every week.

I was 3 days on, 2 days off drinking or 7 on, 3 off, or 5 on and 2 off... I was in agony and feeling very negative.... then I saw something.... it was a video of one of my old favorite rock stars... a guy called Brian Connolly from the glam 70's band "The Sweet"... so good looking in his 20s, 30s.. but by 50 he looked like a grandpa and he died horribly by 53

see the video on youtube by searching his name and a video called "Don't leave me this way"... it is so awful how he went from great to dead

I decided then and there 4 months ago to stop drinking, but it was only when my partner told me I had aged this year that I recognized I would end up like Brian.... the pain in stomach and heart palpitations and liver pain and pooping my pants were unbearable...

I am on day 8 and in a lot of pain and I am going to bloody well deal with it as a new experience and in my own warped way ENJOY IT

GOD BLESS you kid and remember you have such a great life going forward,,,, eff the suicide talk... it doesn't solve anything and if my Vietnam mates could live through their hell we can lived with giving up a silly drink or 10
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Old 05-19-2013, 11:02 PM
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Thanks for the amazing feedback, I am very grateful for this forum and getting it all out on that day really helped. Your responses have been awesome and, just what I needed to hear. And as for the first reply by neferkmichael, that is humbling to know that I can't expect it all to change just by stopping the drinking. I believe however that my anxiety and irrational paranoia was exagerated by the withdrawals. Oak, I don't have health insurance or money for therapy, this for me is therapy, and as for meds I don't trust FDA approved anything, especially to do with pharmaceuticals but I am thinking about trying st. johns wort or some natural antidepressents, but I would rather do without. I know that if I got a script for Xanax or a sedative it would all be over and it wouldn't be long before I'm snorting it. Britgirl, thank you for your response that means a lot, and yes there is a very great group of young people working the steps in the high rockies region of CO- shame I left on the note I did but that's done and said.. I'm hoping to find a good group up here.

Update- I'm on the eve of day 7 and for the first time today, after a night of somewhat decent sleep, I felt inspired and the anxiety is dissipating. I can think more clearly and felt excitement for life, it's like I woke up and realized I'm in Alaska and the summer is just kicking off.. longboarding, hiking, and writing all have been interests of mine that were obscured from the constant drinking (with the exception of latenight drunk longboard sesh's on the highway that almost ended with me being dead) and I am regaining interest and inspiration to get back into them, also excited for travelling sober as I'll be able to truly get the most of it and enjoy it.

SO I'm feeling good, got a lot of healing to do now and steps to start working- I can't believe how different today feels than even yesterday. Knock on wood because I hope it gets better and I know I can't change over night, I want to do it right this time!! I believe if I can pull through this, my story can help people. If I relapse though, my story doesn't mean ****. That's partially what's keeping me sober. Too soon for speculation though I'm getting too far ahead of myself.. point is I feel good today and that's just the inspiration I needed besides your awesome encouragement and support. Still fighting urges (a cold mexican beer sounds so good, but then I think in my head what I feel like after pounding 20 of them) and probably will be for a while. Thinking about trying out O'douls or something just to have the taste of beer without alcohol, anyone try this?

Thank you again for the amazing support.
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