llarson, you are not alone, not in anyway.
Feeling paralyzed the way you do right now is pretty normal. You have a lot of feelings , those feelings are very painful, I felt that way too. Those feelings are deep, they are emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. You need time to process all of this. They will come up, it is just too much all at once, I felt lost at the end. There were days I would lie in bed, not shower, not eat, but eventually I began to do the real work, the work that was about me, not him, not anyone else. I allowed myself to lie in the fetal position and cry my heart out, and as I did, I began to feel everything, anger, resentment, hurt, fear, compassion, love, I cried over the loss of things I never allowed myself to cry over for years, the loss of my brothers, the loss of my dogs, the loss of myself.
But you will rise up, you are a strong and valuable person, you are living in the truth, you were strong enough to stay with this man for 20 years, to stand by him, support him, all the things that go along with a 20 year marriage. But he is an addict, he messed it all up, not you, he does not deserve you, he is lost, he hasn't called you because he can not face himself, he is instead going to the family that is now so deeply in denial, he has them snowed, but that is not your concern, it is their turn, you did you time. He can't call you, he is sick, addicted, he loves drugs more than he loves himself. He will hang with his family until they get tired of it, and only then, maybe, will he get the help he needs.
It is time, time for you to slowly win back your life, and you will, I did, and so did so many others. If you have a friend, or a family member that may be willing to come over and help you, call them, let them take the lead, let them help you move, let them help you grieve, you have nothing to lose, nothing to be ashamed of, you have lived your life with integrity and love. It wasn't until I began to reach out to the people that loved me that I began to see that I was important. You are important.
Try to find ways to reach out, if you can and haven't already reach out to a counselor, alanon, family and friends. give yourself comfort and compassion, we are here, we care, let him do what he needs to do, you do what you need to do.
Please stick around, keep posting, sending love Katie