I am a mess

Old 05-18-2013, 01:55 PM
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at my breaking point
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I am a mess

I asked my husband of over 20 years to leave last Tuesday. I had enough of his lies and covering up his heroin addiction. We had just recently, in March, got a dr that put him on suboxone. I would watch him take the suboxone. I thought he was doing good. But, he relapsed and I am just like frozen.
I need to start packing because I am moving out of this house. He let it go in foreclosure. He started the heroin last September 2012. At 41 yo. He had done it before we started dating for 6 months and got himself off it. A year after we were together he began doing crack. I dealt with that for over 7 or so years, till he finally went to jail. He became clean from that, and we had a life for over 13 years, without any problems with drugs.
Anyway, I have been off of work since Wednesday, with all intentions to start the packing process and finding a house to rent. But I have not touched any of the packing. I am just frozen. This is so different from any other time from before. He would always call me, stalk me, until I took him back. I never thought he would let me go. But he has not called me and gave me any reason to feel he still loves me. And it is killing me. I don't know how to be without him, but I cant be with him with the lying and manipulating.
I told him I was going to cut off his phone, and he must have got a new phone cuz he has not made any calls on the phone since Thursday. I have been obsessed with seeing who he was calling. Now I want to kick myself in the ass because I can't get a hold of him if I needed to. Which is probably for the best. But my God this pain inside is so unbearable.
I feel so alone and so abandoned. Wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe he is dead, that's why there is no calls. He is supposed to be staying with his sister so I would hope she would contact me. She is pissed though that I told his mom about the drug use when I first found out about it. I was so worried about him and if something happened I didn't want her to be upset that I didn't tell her and now it was too late for her to help. Her reply to me was that she talked to him and he denied it and she said for me to not get her involved in my marital affairs. I was dumbfounded. This is not about my marriage, it is about her son, who could die.
I keep reading everything I can about this addiction and I know I need to not be with him, but my heart is telling me different. And it just hurts so bad that he has not made an attempt to contact me. I just can't stop crying. I didn't cut the phone off, but I know I cant contact him. I need to go ahead and cut it off, but I just don't know anymore what is right and wrong to do.
Sorry for so long rambling. My head is so messed up.
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Old 05-18-2013, 02:06 PM
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llarson though you may feel and think you are alone...I guarantee you are not. We are here.

Please call your local Naranon or Alanon hotline...AA/NA if needed...talk to people who have gone through exactly what you are now...

Please go with what your gut and rational thoughts tell you...you are not the problem...you are not to blame in what so ever manner...

It will be hard...already is...keep posting...

Keep your distance...and focus on yourself...

I am pulling for you...
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Old 05-18-2013, 02:13 PM
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I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but even if it doesn't feel like it right now, you did the right thing by asking him to leave.

He has shown you over the years that drugs are not something that he is willing to give up. First it was heroin, then crack, now heroin again. He has been going back and forth over decades and he just does not want to leave that part of him behind him. The past is repeating itself and you have every right to step off the merry-go-round and have a life that is not filled with lying, manipulation, let downs, and drugs. His drug use isn't going to get better, it is only going to get worse and more money will be spent and more lies will be told.

What do you want for the future? What would make YOU happy? It is time to put yourself first and start healing. Living and loving an addict takes a toll on our health physically and emotionally. Have you thought about going to a counselor to sort out all the feelings that are going through your mind and to talk it through with a professional the reasons why you stayed with a man that went from one drug to another and the lies and manipulation along with it. Sometimes it helps to address why we put up with so much.

It is best that you cannot contact him on the phone. Hearing him on the phone will only make doing this even harder. He will make you doubt yourself and try to rationalize all of his horrid behaviors. He prob. hasn't contacted you because he has seen that you will not accept his drug use and he will do anything to protect his drug use. He only has one love right now and that love is heroin.

I know those 13 years without drugs the two of you had might make it harder to accept that he is no longer that man. But yet again, before those years you went through 7 years of living with a crack addict so maybe he was that man all along and never fully in recovery. It doesn't matter really because as of right now he is in active addiction and he has shown that he chooses heroin over everything else in his life, including you.

Take this time to pack your stuff at a pace you feel you can and to relax. Go out and treat yourself and start putting yourself first. Do you have any friends on that you can meet up with in person and talk to? Even if it is just to watch movies or go get coffee to keep you busy? I can't believe his mother said to keep her out of your marital affairs...sounds like the denial runs deep. Keep reading on here and posting, it is important you don't bury your feelings and to process everything and let it all out. You can vent, yell, cry, laugh...anything you need to here. We have all been there/are there now and we care.
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Old 05-18-2013, 02:20 PM
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at my breaking point
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Thank you wiscsober. I hear so many good things about the nar anon and his counselor told me that I needed to go. I just can't even move right now. I don't want to get dressed, do my hair, make up or anything. I just went to sit here and be on internet and watch tv...which is so unhealthy.
I was so much stronger a few days ago. Probably because I was so angry. But now anger has subsided and I just long for him to be home. But I keep trying to remember and keep it in the front of my mind everything he has put me through.
Just why after 13 years of a great marriage and great life would he do something he knows is so dangerous and addicting? He has screwed up both of our lives. He doesn't get it.
God, I hate him but I love him more...I just hope he is safe and doesn't die. I am so scared for him.
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Old 05-18-2013, 02:28 PM
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at my breaking point
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You nailed it Maylie. Yeah, and his mom and sister. It would have been great if they would have helped me deal with him but they believe his lies. I am the crazy one. They didn't go to the dr and to the counselor and to the few na/aa meetings we went to. They didn't have their money stolen, their bank account negative, and bills unpaid, lied to constantly. They just think he is this great son and brother. And he is a good man, but this is not him and I have finally realized it. When I first found out about everything over 6 months ago, I just kept telling everyone that he is such a good husband, and good man. I could not let that go.
I am aware of so many things his sister has done to betray me through out this whole ordeal. I have read some text messages from her. All because I told his mom.
I have to get my life together. For me.
Thank you for responding. It helps a lot.
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Old 05-18-2013, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by llarson View Post
I asked my husband of over 20 years to leave last Tuesday. I had enough of his lies and covering up his heroin addiction. We had just recently, in March, got a dr that put him on suboxone. I would watch him take the suboxone. I thought he was doing good. But, he relapsed and I am just like frozen.
I need to start packing because I am moving out of this house. He let it go in foreclosure. He started the heroin last September 2012. At 41 yo. He had done it before we started dating for 6 months and got himself off it. A year after we were together he began doing crack. I dealt with that for over 7 or so years, till he finally went to jail. He became clean from that, and we had a life for over 13 years, without any problems with drugs.
Anyway, I have been off of work since Wednesday, with all intentions to start the packing process and finding a house to rent. But I have not touched any of the packing. I am just frozen. This is so different from any other time from before. He would always call me, stalk me, until I took him back. I never thought he would let me go. But he has not called me and gave me any reason to feel he still loves me. And it is killing me. I don't know how to be without him, but I cant be with him with the lying and manipulating.
I told him I was going to cut off his phone, and he must have got a new phone cuz he has not made any calls on the phone since Thursday. I have been obsessed with seeing who he was calling. Now I want to kick myself in the ass because I can't get a hold of him if I needed to. Which is probably for the best. But my God this pain inside is so unbearable.
I feel so alone and so abandoned. Wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe he is dead, that's why there is no calls. He is supposed to be staying with his sister so I would hope she would contact me. She is pissed though that I told his mom about the drug use when I first found out about it. I was so worried about him and if something happened I didn't want her to be upset that I didn't tell her and now it was too late for her to help. Her reply to me was that she talked to him and he denied it and she said for me to not get her involved in my marital affairs. I was dumbfounded. This is not about my marriage, it is about her son, who could die.
I keep reading everything I can about this addiction and I know I need to not be with him, but my heart is telling me different. And it just hurts so bad that he has not made an attempt to contact me. I just can't stop crying. I didn't cut the phone off, but I know I cant contact him. I need to go ahead and cut it off, but I just don't know anymore what is right and wrong to do.
Sorry for so long rambling. My head is so messed up.
I am very, very glad you found us. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.

What you're feeling, what you're going through, makes sense, so I don't think you're as messed up as you think you are. You've been betrayed by someone you love, and any way you slice it, that's going to sting.

I wish there was a way for you not to suffer through this. But there isn't. There will be moments when it's going to be unbearable, and when they come, reach out to us.

Regarding your husband...there is nothing anyone can do for him now. His sister and mother can't help him. You can't help him. He has to want recovery for himself, and if he doesn't seek it, then there's nothing anyone can do. You absolutely did the right thing by choosing to leave him. It may not feel like it, but doing the right thing doesn't necessarily mean it's going to feel good. Hold firm on your decision and take care of you.

Keep us posted.

ZoSo
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Old 05-18-2013, 04:10 PM
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llarson, you are not alone, not in anyway.

Feeling paralyzed the way you do right now is pretty normal. You have a lot of feelings , those feelings are very painful, I felt that way too. Those feelings are deep, they are emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. You need time to process all of this. They will come up, it is just too much all at once, I felt lost at the end. There were days I would lie in bed, not shower, not eat, but eventually I began to do the real work, the work that was about me, not him, not anyone else. I allowed myself to lie in the fetal position and cry my heart out, and as I did, I began to feel everything, anger, resentment, hurt, fear, compassion, love, I cried over the loss of things I never allowed myself to cry over for years, the loss of my brothers, the loss of my dogs, the loss of myself.

But you will rise up, you are a strong and valuable person, you are living in the truth, you were strong enough to stay with this man for 20 years, to stand by him, support him, all the things that go along with a 20 year marriage. But he is an addict, he messed it all up, not you, he does not deserve you, he is lost, he hasn't called you because he can not face himself, he is instead going to the family that is now so deeply in denial, he has them snowed, but that is not your concern, it is their turn, you did you time. He can't call you, he is sick, addicted, he loves drugs more than he loves himself. He will hang with his family until they get tired of it, and only then, maybe, will he get the help he needs.

It is time, time for you to slowly win back your life, and you will, I did, and so did so many others. If you have a friend, or a family member that may be willing to come over and help you, call them, let them take the lead, let them help you move, let them help you grieve, you have nothing to lose, nothing to be ashamed of, you have lived your life with integrity and love. It wasn't until I began to reach out to the people that loved me that I began to see that I was important. You are important.

Try to find ways to reach out, if you can and haven't already reach out to a counselor, alanon, family and friends. give yourself comfort and compassion, we are here, we care, let him do what he needs to do, you do what you need to do.

Please stick around, keep posting, sending love Katie
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Old 05-18-2013, 04:34 PM
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It might help if you consider that the feelings of profound longing you feel now for him, and the deep desire to be with him, and the intense obsession you feel now regarding him.....is also his experience:

But it is his experience with heroin.

He is as unavailable to you today as if he were living on the other side of the globe. He is disconnected, disengaged, and disinterested. He is in active heroin addiction. And his goal today is to use more of it.

Stay in the present. Do not make up stories in your mind which have not happened, whether good or bad.

When the shock has subsided and you are able to move your body again and think in an organized way, prepare a plan of action based on the reality that your husband has abandoned you and do whatever you must to build for yourself a secure base, a safe home, a support network, and some form of counseling or 12-Step work.

You are paralyzed right now but that will pass. He has escaped the realities of life and responsibilities, but that is not your path. When you can, gather your courage and your intelligence and make a change. Waiting for him is all right, if you want to do that, but waiting for him with an expectation that he will at any time in 2013 be able to meet you as an equal and healthy partner is, in my view, unrealistic.

He cannot meet your needs and that will be the way things are for quite a long while. So it will be up to you to take responsibility to meet those needs. We have all here had to do that. Ultimately, we could no longer wait for the addict to make us okay. We had to find that on our own. You can, too. But this is the beginning of a long road to travel. This is part of your maturing and your growth. It is up to you, not the addict, to make the choices which will bring you safety and security and dignity. As codependents, our path lies in learning how to face reality and deal with it.

For now, today, you are very tired. Your vital force is spent. Get some healthy nutrition in you tonight, a warm bath, a long sleep, and if you have a friend who can come sit with you, call that person.

Today is only part of your story. There is more to come.
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Old 05-18-2013, 04:44 PM
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llarson...as many of us said you are not alone...I know it might be hard...and posting here is great...but you need to pick up that 500lb telephone...anybody will do...pulling for you
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Old 05-18-2013, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
It might help if you consider that the feelings of profound longing you feel now for him, and the deep desire to be with him, and the intense obsession you feel now regarding him.....is also his experience:

But it is his experience with heroin.
This stopped me in my tracks tonight. Even though it was one of the first things I learned after coming to SR, even though I've read it in a hundred different posts....something about the way you phrased it took the air out of my lungs. Thank you, EnglishGarden.
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Old 05-19-2013, 06:50 AM
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at my breaking point
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thank you so much to everyone. I am so glad I found this site. It's hard hearing that heroin IS his love, not me, but I know it, I knew it all along. I just thought for some reason, our love was greater, our story more fantastic, that it would make him realize that he needs to stop. But, I know that's not true. Maybe on my end it is true, and I just need to let it go. I am going to find a meeting today. I hope there is one available. Thanks again for all your words.
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Old 05-19-2013, 07:12 AM
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at my breaking point
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no nar anon meetings today. Very limited in my area. But a ton of al anon. Do you think those will help with drug addiction?
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Old 05-19-2013, 07:37 AM
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Yes, llarson. I've never been to either one as of yet, but I know many people here go to Al-Anon instead of Nar-Anon specifically because there are usually more meetings available. You can just substitute addict/drugs for alcoholic/alcohol in your head. Good luck!
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Old 05-19-2013, 10:58 AM
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at my breaking point
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suspended the phone just now. Since he apparently got another phone and isn't using the one on our account (my account). I really hate that I can't keep track of who is calling or who is calling him, but deep down I know it is for the best.
I just looked at pics of him in happier times. He looked so healthy and strong. Where is that man??? I want him to come back. Please come back!! I can't stop crying and obsessing about it. But everyday, every minute that goes by without contact makes me angry and helps me to realize it's actually over. He obviously has to be aware that I cant contact him because I don't know his new number. What a ****.
I hope he is miserable wherever he is. Cuz it would kill me if he was having a blast.
I keep imagining what I would say if he does call...he eventually has to call...he doesn't have many changes of clothing. Although, I am pretty afraid he will come here while I am at work, wish I would have gotten the house key, but I know he can get in the house if he really wanted to. I wish I didn't have to work. But anyway, if he does call, I keep imagining all the horrible things I want to say to him. That he is disgusting, pathetic, a low life, and so many other things. That would not be good though, will it? I just have so much anger...and yet I still love the man. I just want my words to hurt him because I am hurting.
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Old 05-19-2013, 01:35 PM
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Big hugs for you!

I just want my words to hurt him because I am hurting.
I have been there too llarson. The reason I could not do that, try to purposely hurt him, is because it is not essentially a part of my nature.
I want to soothe, comfort, console, empathize all that good codependent stuff that we take to extremes.
Your are a good person who has been in extremely abnormal circumstances.
And, you thought you two made it through! Wow. I understand that too.

Take all your power to help others and focus on yourself.
What would you tell a friend who was suffering the way you are right now?
You are made of much tougher stuff than you think.
You have made it out alive.
Build your strength by going to AlAnon.
You will learn who needs to come first in your life, and it is NOT him.

Grieve what you thought you had, the grieving is necessary so you do not find another man to "fix".
I am speaking from personal experience about this.


and EnglishGarden,
you described the experience I had with alcohol, and my ex husband!
You are incredible and I appreciate your insights and thoughts so much.


Keep coming back here llarson. I find the more I read and post, the more I learn.

Beth..... grateful to be recovering.
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