I am a mess
I asked my husband of over 20 years to leave last Tuesday. I had enough of his lies and covering up his heroin addiction. We had just recently, in March, got a dr that put him on suboxone. I would watch him take the suboxone. I thought he was doing good. But, he relapsed and I am just like frozen.
I need to start packing because I am moving out of this house. He let it go in foreclosure. He started the heroin last September 2012. At 41 yo. He had done it before we started dating for 6 months and got himself off it. A year after we were together he began doing crack. I dealt with that for over 7 or so years, till he finally went to jail. He became clean from that, and we had a life for over 13 years, without any problems with drugs.
Anyway, I have been off of work since Wednesday, with all intentions to start the packing process and finding a house to rent. But I have not touched any of the packing. I am just frozen. This is so different from any other time from before. He would always call me, stalk me, until I took him back. I never thought he would let me go. But he has not called me and gave me any reason to feel he still loves me. And it is killing me. I don't know how to be without him, but I cant be with him with the lying and manipulating.
I told him I was going to cut off his phone, and he must have got a new phone cuz he has not made any calls on the phone since Thursday. I have been obsessed with seeing who he was calling. Now I want to kick myself in the ass because I can't get a hold of him if I needed to. Which is probably for the best. But my God this pain inside is so unbearable.
I feel so alone and so abandoned. Wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe he is dead, that's why there is no calls. He is supposed to be staying with his sister so I would hope she would contact me. She is pissed though that I told his mom about the drug use when I first found out about it. I was so worried about him and if something happened I didn't want her to be upset that I didn't tell her and now it was too late for her to help. Her reply to me was that she talked to him and he denied it and she said for me to not get her involved in my marital affairs. I was dumbfounded. This is not about my marriage, it is about her son, who could die.
I keep reading everything I can about this addiction and I know I need to not be with him, but my heart is telling me different. And it just hurts so bad that he has not made an attempt to contact me. I just can't stop crying. I didn't cut the phone off, but I know I cant contact him. I need to go ahead and cut it off, but I just don't know anymore what is right and wrong to do.
Sorry for so long rambling. My head is so messed up.