Originally Posted by
Ann 
This was how I felt early in recovery as I learned to let go. As dysfunctional as my life had become, it was the life I KNEW and in it's own dark way had become my comfort zone. I knew how to react with adrenaline and I knew how to attempt to do 30 things at once...I KNEW how to be crazy and I had no idea how to be calm or patient or how to trust the process and trust God.
Change was painful, it felt awkward and many times I asked myself "what now?". The answers always came when I took quiet time and listened.
The winds of change blow through everyone's life now and then, but with me as a codie the smallest breeze felt like a tornado.
Hugs
^^^^^This is EXACTLY where I'm at right now, Ann - I feel like you wrote these words about ME!!
The other night in therapy, I was acting stubborn (and probably quite 'bratty,' lol) as I argued with my therapist about why I thought I was 'meant to be' with my XA, and I didn't want to hear or accept the reasons why he was telling me that I
wasn't. He told me that the reason my XA was sent back into my life at this time wasn't because we were meant to be together and live happily ever after for the rest of our lives (my completely asinine take on it, lol). He said it was to make me realize that I need to work on ME. And like a petulant child, I crossed my arms, stuck out my chin and said, "Well, I don't WANT to work on me. I just DON'T. It's too much work, it's too hard and I just don't want to do it. I'm fine the way I am." (I stopped short of adding a snotty "So there!!" LOL)
And God bless him, lol, he patiently reiterated how he just does NOT think my XA is the right one for me, that he's a user and just not a nice person on TOP of being a drug addict, and he said he thinks I would have ended up leaving him eventually anyway due to the unhappiness and misery I was bound to experience if I stayed. And I angrily snapped back (Are you ready for this? You're gonna love it....lol), "I made a relationship work with someone I wasn't in love with for 19 YEARS!!! I know I could have DEFINITELY made this one last at LEAST that long!!" And he let out a long-suffering sigh, looked at me over the top of his glasses and gently asked, "And is THAT what you want for the rest of your life?? Having to MAKE a relationship work with someone who makes you unhappy and gives you NOTHING back in return for all you give him??" And when I had no good answer except to lower my chin and look away, he said, "You know what you're doing, don't you? You're
resisting. You're on the verge of making some big changes in your life, and you're fighting it." And then he grinned and said, "But that's okay. You know why? Because it's been my experience that the ones who initially resist in the beginning are the ones who, when they finally accept it, take off like a shot and never look back! And that's going to be YOU."
So YES. I know I'm being a brat right now and resisting the change that's making its way into my life....because I'm scared. As you said, I'm USED to the dysfunction and I know how to operate within it. It's familiar to me and it's all I've known for almost as long as I can remember. But I think that change is going to work its way into my life no matter how hard I resist. Because it's what God has planned for me. I keep asking God for help and saying, "Well, I guess this was your plan for me. Here I am, as low as I've ever been. I got knocked down to my knees....NOW WHAT??" And what I've been failing to realize is that God's been trying to tell me, "Now you GET BACK UP."
Thank you so much for this post, Ann. You've really helped me 'see the light' tonight, and I'm grateful.
