It's been a week, and a long week at that. I've managed to ignore her insistent calling, texting, and actually looking at the messages. The cycle is still there, flip-flop between loving, hating, and trying to manipulate the outcome. For the most part, I delete the messages, voice mails, and turn the phone off when her efforts just become annoying.
Today, was the first time I heard her voice, on the answering machine at home. It takes me back to a time, so long ago, when that voice captivated my attention, and there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. The memory is still there. However, the wiser I am, the less I succumb to her deception. I see that, now, her devices, spinning her web, baiting her traps. I hate that this is where my thoughts travel, "How is she spinning this in her favor?"
Needless to say, I had a tough day today, with her words in my head, the tone, sweetness, softness, and what sounds authenticate.
But there can be no allowance without real change, real steps into the light, at the very least, self-actualization that a very serious problem exists. It pains me to hold out, withdraw my hand, shoulder, and be a crutch to her sickness. It's no longer my place, and so I watch through a one-way mirror, watching--. And there is no room in this drama for me to clap, cheer, or egg her on. This is a closed event, room for one. She created it, and by her own choices, she will run it, alone. The reasons aren't as important as the outcome is, her self-actualization, a process that will start when she has no one else to depend on for her 'fix' or 'fixes', until she depends on herself to admit she has a problem. Until then, it's all smoke and mirrors.
I can, however, see this playing out, as if walking a long beach. The tide comes in, and from where I stand, it's self evident, and so I can choose to let it wash across my feet, or dodge it altogether. Now I can imagine this tide a flood of burning gas, I wouldn't want to get near, let alone on me, so I would run as fast as I can away. Sad. That's how I see her tide, coming and going, a burning cycle of destruction.
It's sad that now I see it, where before I welcomed the tide, even put on my armor to push against it. In the end, it burned all that effort on my part, and then some. No more.