Crying...IT HURTS so much!

Old 05-06-2013, 02:03 AM
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Unhappy Crying...IT HURTS so much!

I met her three years ago, and we started as all couples do, sharing out baggage. She told me she was an ex-addict, among other things, and from there, our friendship blossomed. It's been three years, and a couple days, for me to finally admit that my relationship with my wife is falling apart because of her addiction. You'd think I would see it, but I don't know that much about the symptoms, or the behaviors, let alone the paranoia that she exhibits. You'd think I would wake up after the third, fourth, even fifth episode, but I thought my love for her would overcome. Even as a Christian, we're taught forgiveness. It's beyond all this, and yesterday was yet another new experience, with her asking me to go buy her drugs. There was apart of me that held the money she gave me in my hand that literally dropped the bottom out from beneath me, emptied my heart, practically dried up any measure of patience that I had for salvaging our marriage.

But I love her, and admittedly, I have loved her so much, that I've chosen to overlook her behavior in the past, in hopes the vessel we were on would self-correct. I'm looking at the fall ahead, standing tall, trying to be brave, all the while knowing the ship is going over. Who does that? I have been doing it for sometime now.

Crying.... I can't do it anymore. It hurts.

And when I think we're talking, really talking, hearing each other, seeing the issue at hand and agreeing--no, supporting her desire to get help--it feels good. But deep inside, I know it's a lie, so she can feel better about her intentions, but keep on using. And then yesterday, accusing me of being a tweaker. I don't use drugs. Never have. No interest. Even when she's high and we make love, it's so far removed from the normality that is who we are when she is not. I feel my wife, but the mental concepts are not my wife. She is warm, beautiful, loving, intelligent, and a great wife in so many regards. But when she's high, I don't know her--not at all. It's as if a stranger is occupied my wife's body, mind, and thoughts.

And when she comes down, no memory. Or denial, may be the case. For when her anger serves her to gain what argument she intends to win, it doesn't matter what I say, or do. The excuse she uses is selective in her memory, as long as the episode serves her needs, not mine.

Crying! And now we're separated, living across town. I suppose all the nitty gritty details of when, why, where, how, and what are less important than realizing it is no longer about her, as much as it is about me. And for her to ever appreciate me, let alone the pain I've endured, her recover will most likely require me to step back, out of the picture, and deny myself the warm company of a loving wife--free of her addiction (for those moments). You cannot just turn off the emotions, attachments, memories, and experiences--it simply does not work.

But you see, I love my wife. I love my life. And I hope that my decision to take care of myself, now, will help me recover. For now, I'll wipe away these tears and finish this, long enough to submit it and add my story to this board.

Crying...
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Old 05-06-2013, 02:34 AM
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It's been one separation after another, where she'll stay away. She seems to forget the hurt and pain she caused, the verbal and mental attacks--anything so it gives her the excuse to justify her behavior. It's never her fault, but after a week or so, it's "I miss you. I love you. I need you. I...", with no apology. And I'd take her back, expecting... yea, different without the addiction. It hasn't happened, and if anything, I've been enabling her to repeat the cycle, all the while telling myself I can handle this, I can manage this, I can... I can... I can.. it's a cycle that eats away inside, thinking "if I just do this...", or "that", something will give and the marriage will blossom.

Sad... holding the tears.

I want to share so much and I will with my therapist this week. My challenge is following through with the boundaries, that I hope this low for me is the catalyst for my growth, and by accepting it, her growth, too. Well, her potential growth, how she sees it and responds to it. My part is now my recovery. This site is a positive chance for that to occur. I feel my venting is somehow a mechanism for me to break out of the destructive cycle I've been enabling, being accountable, and responsible for the choices ahead. So much pain in these threads, and the responses give clarity, albeit, slowly for me. I'm looking now, eyes forward. I'm feeling now, my own pulse, and not hers. I know I want it to be easy, but then that is why she does what she does--it's easy. And my easy methods have been to say "Sure", or "I love you", and a host of other non-constructive discussions and behaviors that minimized the past, allowed us both to fancy our precious stable-unstable relationship. I don't want to just exist for her benefit anymore, to be used, abused, and in some cases, assaulted. Not enough to bruise me, but enough to warrant distancing myself from her with a separation. I've never hit her, even felt the temptation. I know it speaks volumes to some about my own experiences of being a victim to physical abuse, but that is not the case. I'm ex-military and so I minimize such attacks. Still, it indicates anger issues with my wife, another issue that help, professional or otherwise, would be helpful.

To some degree, the walls are already up for me, and that hurts even more, knowing what I have with my wife. The simple remedy now, is enforcing boundaries, while going through what lays ahead for me.

Thank you for listening. I will be back later. For now, I need to go to bed without my wife here, something I dread, that I haven't ever gone to bed without her, let alone rise without her. Marriage is a lifestyle for a devoted Christian man, and the bed is undefiled that it was always a place of peace, happiness, and rest--for us both.

I miss her... good night.
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:22 AM
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I'm sorry that you're suffering so, but I'm glad you found us.

I've highlighted the following from your first post:

She is warm, beautiful, loving, intelligent, and a great wife in so many regards. But when she's high, I don't know her--not at all. It's as if a stranger is occupied my wife's body, mind, and thoughts.

And when she comes down, no memory. Or denial, may be the case. For when her anger serves her to gain what argument she intends to win, it doesn't matter what I say, or do. The excuse she uses is selective in her memory, as long as the episode serves her needs, not mine.
Whether you're fully aware of this or not, she's practicing a form of psychological abuse on you called "gaslighting", where she's making you question your own sanity by denying all the things she does while under the influence. So a "warm, beautiful, loving" wife would not do such a thing.

As a person of faith myself, I came to understand and appreciate that when it came to dealing with my AGF at the time, the only one that could help her was God. And I also came to appreciate that what we may want for ourselves may be different than what God has in mind for us. Your wife has chosen a path where you can't go because there's no room for you. There's only room for her and the drugs.

So, what do you do now? If you're a person of faith, you give your wife over to God, and you turn your own will over to God by accepting you're powerless over her addiction and asking Him to restore you to sanity. You may have to do things you don't want to do.

But having said that, and having lived through the horror of someone's addiction, I can tell you straight up there are worse things than sleeping alone, and that's sleeping with someone in active addiction or someone abstaining from drugs but not in recovery. I can tell you straight up that when my relationship with my AGF was over, I wanted to throw my bed out and get a new one. But instead, I took my bed back and banished her presence from my bedroom.

I encourage you to read as many of the posts as you can here. I encourage you to keep an open, honest mind. What you're going through is insanely difficult to bear, but others have been down the same path and have come out the other side.

Welcome to the Board.

ZoSo
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by t42592 View Post
But you see, I love my wife. I love my life. And I hope that my decision to take care of myself, now, will help me recover. For now, I'll wipe away these tears and finish this, long enough to submit it and add my story to this board.
Thank you for coming onto the board- everyone is here to support you and knows exactly the pain you're going through.

The line I pulled from your post is a beautiful seed and something we are all striving for in our relationships. All of us love our addict- but the overriding need to take care of ourselves has to be our goal and our dream for happiness.

Your decision to take care of yourself WILL help you recover- that's the key and the spring from what your future will grow.

Thank you for sharing and welcome. Everyone here will embrace you with love.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:16 PM
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I am grateful for this board, and for all that share, especially those that are transparent regarding their own experiences. It's comforting. I don't have the strength anymore to endure these cycles, nor the energy to patronize my wife with her addiction. More importantly, the cycles are taking a toll on my education, something I thought she supported (so she said). I'm in damage control mode, now, trying to salvage my rational emergence so I can pass at least two of the three classes I'm taking this semester. How do I push it aside and focus on tough subjects, will be my challenge this week, striving for excellence in an attempt to recover from the distractions that took... no, that I chose to ignore to support my wife. It's hard to admit that I chose to put school last so she could come first. It's even harder now getting back into the swing of studying, while all this unfolds (again). I've done it in the past, but it is tiresome, and old. I had a test today, that I didn't go to for the one topic I will have to sacrifice for the other two classes to survive. My hope is next semester will be addict-free, and with better coping skills, sanity, and a great deal of recovery under my belt. I'm taking these steps, now, to enable my success because it models what I would want for my wife. She doesn't see it, and I accept that. The future will be there, I have no doubt, and all my wishing for a better future does nothing for my here and now. It's easy to state it and another to do it. I will take a shower, dress, and face my instructors today, without excuses, or expectation, and do the work necessary to push forward. That's all I can do, isn't it? Is it? There's that "I can" again. I choose to put myself first, for a change. It feels strange, as if my marriage goals are no longer about us, but just me. I long for the day when the internal thought is happy, not sad, as it is now. That self-worth is measured by my own compass for success, not linked to the addict I love.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:44 PM
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I absolutely understand what it means to go through all of this while you're going through school- I'm in the exact same boat! I lost out on at least 2 months of real work and am barely limping by on my finals.

But please persevere-- it's education and goals and work that will get you going through the day to day. And when you get your shiny degree at the end of it all, you did it all on your own and by your own power.

Let's do our best to finish off strong-- I have faith for the two of us that next semester will be even better.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:21 PM
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Welcome t42592,

Hope you stick around for a while.

((hugs))
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:18 PM
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Welcome to this board. We can all understand your pain - but everyone's experience and pain is different. But at least on SR you can share your pain and experience - and hopefully find some comfort that you are not alone - on this journey. Probably the toughest path any of us could 'voluntarily' chose - the path of loving an addict.
Zoso put it so well.... that a 'warm, loving' person would not hurt somebody like your wife has hurt you. But here is the tough part - we so often make excuses - and blame it on the drugs. On the high. Yes, I know, it is the drugs that change the person. INITIALLY. But eventually, if the addict does not seek long term recovery - they truly do become that 'other' person. When after a time - you will only ever have vague offerings of someone you once loved.
I don't know how long your wife has been an addict for - so impossible to 'predict' the outcome. Does she seek recovery?
You must have a thousand emotions whirring through your mind. And this is the craziness of loving an addict. All your emotional, spiritual time is spent dwelling on them - wondering 'what if'?? Wondering 'is that really her'?? Wondering 'does she really love me'??
The ONLY thing you can do right now - the ONLY thing - is pray. Trust in Christ. But remember Christ's plans for us are not always what we want. And Christ's time line is not always what we plan. But HE is the healer - and HE will hold you in his arms. Christ loves you enough to conquer anything. But whilst you remember this - and pray - you need to LET GO of your wife. God willing not forever. God willing she heals. But for now - you need to let go. You need to focus on YOU. YOU need to heal. You need to focus on your life - and the precious gifts God has given you. Christ does not intend for us any relationship where we are abused or exposed to danger, fear, sadness, dishonour. And at the moment you are exposed to all of these things.... Keep going. Keep studying. Don't allow your wife's addiction to wreck your life too - your life is a gift from God. You are blessed. You will be okay.
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:51 PM
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I finished watching a movie called The Dark Knight Rises and was reminded that in all things, hope is a powerful tool. Misplaced, that hope is nothing more than an intention, and at best, a wish for a change in others. Faith, on the other hand, is putting my trust in someone that has made a difference in my life--. Christ is my rock, and the source of a power I will never understand in this life, or in His work in the lives of others. It is not my goal to undermine His will, and so I choose to renew my faith in Him, so He can continue to work in me. It is not so strange that I understand the struggles I'm going through, if only to build me up, strengthen my resolve to be a better me.

There is no denying that for a while now, I lost sight of my faith, choosing to circumvent Christ by offering my love to my wife, as a gift from God. As marriages are sacred, the love between a man and woman bound as one, the mystery remains, and I will always cherish the love I have for her. However, sometimes that isn't enough, not nearly, and shouldn't be confused with Christ's love, moreover, God's love. We don't see it until some tragedy befalls us, and then we turn our inner emotions on God, seeking blame, or praying for something. Instead, I will accept what I cannot change, that which I can, and understand the difference. To this end, I'm working, though still the old habits of bargaining with this rationale exist, I choose to see it for what it is--denial. It's a strange force that moves us from one state of mind to another, like a paradigm I built around an ideal, an earthly ideal at that. It was I could do for my wife, what God could do, but without God in the equation. Still, I tried and for all my suffering, I am stronger and wiser. To take away from His design, my own choices must accept what is, and make better choices than before WITH God in control. After all, control is an illusion. I learned that so many years ago in the military, that control is a paradigm of input and output, with the processor in the middle--individual free will. My wife made her choices and her output is not my fault, nor my responsibility. Sounds like I'm trying to intellectualize this, and you'd be correct. I see this entire fiasco, my attempt to manipulate my input to design an output of stability. It's not possible. The equation, itself, is not of my design. For had it been, I think I would have been able to make choices much sooner than now, instead of banging my head against a wall in a futile attempt to change her output.

My head hurts.
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Old 05-07-2013, 02:04 AM
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Completely off track now with your original thread... but you truly write BEAUTIFULLY. You wield your pen with an ease and elegance - you have a mastery of the english language... wow
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:12 PM
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Before my rant, I read your comments regarding Christ's plan. It reminded me of a younger me, a time when I clung to my faith and not my carnal state. I recognized that over the length of my relationship, there had been a slow departure, almost unseen by others, from my values to a more accommodating slant--mainly to appease her. I compromised. And that choice skewed my focus, willingly, mind you. I put one blinder on, then another, and then another, as her behavior over time seemed of inconsequential. I chose to ignore the flags, as I was very new to this addiction cycle. I wasn't aware, and I wasn't willing to listen to others, until recently. Needless to say, one realm of my life that I must address is my faith, renewing my position in submission to Christ and not to these very temporary earthly binds that seem to inundate our human existence. I say ours, but I'm speaking of my own understanding. Short installment today, as I'm writing a paper for a class--one I put off during this last cycle of hers.
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Old 05-07-2013, 05:44 PM
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I turned in a paper that was due 8 days ago. A little step, little indeed. I didn't want to get out bed this morning, telling myself "It doesn't matter. I'm too far behind. I'm unique. I'm the victim here." The list goes on with all sorts of thinking errors at work. As I dragged myself to the shower, the kitchen table, and out the door, I kept telling myself, "I can."

ADD EDIT: I have another class in 15 minutes, as easy as it should be (business), I want to skip it and go back to bed. Or, do something uplifting... "I can"... (going to class)
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Old 05-13-2013, 11:09 PM
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It's been a week, and a long week at that. I've managed to ignore her insistent calling, texting, and actually looking at the messages. The cycle is still there, flip-flop between loving, hating, and trying to manipulate the outcome. For the most part, I delete the messages, voice mails, and turn the phone off when her efforts just become annoying.

Today, was the first time I heard her voice, on the answering machine at home. It takes me back to a time, so long ago, when that voice captivated my attention, and there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. The memory is still there. However, the wiser I am, the less I succumb to her deception. I see that, now, her devices, spinning her web, baiting her traps. I hate that this is where my thoughts travel, "How is she spinning this in her favor?"

Needless to say, I had a tough day today, with her words in my head, the tone, sweetness, softness, and what sounds authenticate.

But there can be no allowance without real change, real steps into the light, at the very least, self-actualization that a very serious problem exists. It pains me to hold out, withdraw my hand, shoulder, and be a crutch to her sickness. It's no longer my place, and so I watch through a one-way mirror, watching--. And there is no room in this drama for me to clap, cheer, or egg her on. This is a closed event, room for one. She created it, and by her own choices, she will run it, alone. The reasons aren't as important as the outcome is, her self-actualization, a process that will start when she has no one else to depend on for her 'fix' or 'fixes', until she depends on herself to admit she has a problem. Until then, it's all smoke and mirrors.

I can, however, see this playing out, as if walking a long beach. The tide comes in, and from where I stand, it's self evident, and so I can choose to let it wash across my feet, or dodge it altogether. Now I can imagine this tide a flood of burning gas, I wouldn't want to get near, let alone on me, so I would run as fast as I can away. Sad. That's how I see her tide, coming and going, a burning cycle of destruction.

It's sad that now I see it, where before I welcomed the tide, even put on my armor to push against it. In the end, it burned all that effort on my part, and then some. No more.
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Old 05-14-2013, 04:41 PM
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I feel so sad for you... I know that it doesn't take away any pain or sadness but there are so many of us out here with our own stories yet the hurt is ALL the same... thanks for sharing (as I agree you have a way with writing...) and know that you are NOT alone... hugs to you and all of us who have to share this sadness...
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:53 PM
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I chose to be transparent insomuch as intent, motivation, and agenda. I sought this from the beginning of my relationship, any relationship for that matter. I was sitting here doing my homework, and I lit a cigarette. Mind you, I hadn't had one in a day or so. You can imagine the slight buzz I got. I put it out not because I had a buzz, but because its the last of the Mohicans--I don't have any money for smokes. But as I was putting it out, I envisioned a character from the Star Wars movie. It's when Luke and Ben first meet Solo, and a fight ensues with a patron. After the fight, the camera shot shows a gentleman returning to puff on his pipe. I thought to myself, "What an interesting way to smoke. Maybe I should look into that." Anyway, I thought I'd share that, if for no other reason, to explore my own thoughts about other ways to satisfy my poor health habit, smoking....
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