Originally Posted by
SparkleKitty 
In general I agree with the distinction between men and women and the need to share to deep feelings, but it sounds to me like the OP's issue with is not that he doesn't share himself but that he "gets angry and shuts down" whenever she opens up in a way that is important to her.
There are more mature ways of dealing with it for sure. And I think in general, men who are emotionally healthy find better ways to do so. I can accept it if my husband doesn't 'get' the depth of my feeling, but not if he gets angry at me for expressing it. That is B.S.
And, yes you just hit the nail on the head. I know that men are different from women. Unfortunately, if I tell my husband that I'm missing my father and need a hug from him (like I did a few months ago) and he says, "So what? What the hell are you missing that asshat for anyway?" that pretty much makes not want a hug and makes me want to shy away from trying to be physical with him at all.
If I tell him he hurt my feelings with something he said, he'll tell me to toughen up, I'm too sensitive, I take everything the wrong way and that's not his problem, etc. Or, and this is the killer of our conversations, he takes on my pain or frustration and starts griping about how bad his life is and how bad everyone treats him so that's why he treats me badly. His life sucks, bring on the comet, etc and then I sit there and listen to his victim rant for an hour when all I wanted was some validation for having an emotional need or hurt.
So, when I say 'bread from the hardware store', I mean that I've finally accepted that my husband can't handle any conversation about feelings or pain or hurt, even if it's not about him. I can't expect him to sympathize with me, I can't expect him to understand, I can't expect him to have empathy because he truly does not know how to do those things. When I ask for a hug, he'll give it but he'll look at me like I'm crazy.
Remember when my son didn't want to tell AH about his friend's death? His reason was that dad would say "good". Even my son knows that AH can't handle emotional pain, his or anyone else's for that matter. So, I feel like I'm going in circles here and I guess I'll close, but for me, it's not just about the basic differences between men and women, it's about HOW my AH chooses to communicate with his family and how he has grown to be emotionally unavailable.
It was such an issue for us for many years that I had completely shut down on him emotionally. He used to call me his wife, the guy. He said I was just like one of the guys and that's because I shut down my need for emotional validation because it was always about him and how miserable his life was. I think I subconsciously just shut it all down. I was a robot, going through the motions of life, giving him what he wanted, listened to his rants about everything and anything, and then shoved it all deep inside.
He says he wants a real marriage, he is working on changing, but that means I have to change, too. And, that means that I have to accept what his limitations are not just because he's a guy, but because he has serious arrested development and can't relate to most of humanity on an emotional level. He truly just doesn't understand it and I don't know if he ever will.