Always depressed on my birthday?
Ok, so today is my birthday. I can't wait for it to be over. It's like this every year and I can't figure out why(well, I have some indication, I just don't know how to fix it). I hate having any attention on me, I hate being nice and going out to dinner with dh and our son because, quite frankly, I hate eating out. I always eat too much and feel like crap afterwards. I'd be happy with a salad, LOL. So, I order a salad, and then I eat the heavy dessert and pay for it afterwards. Anyway, that's off topic, LOL!
I guess I'm just trying to figure out why I hate celebrations that revolve around me. I don't mind Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, etc but Mother's Day, birthday, and Anniversary really stress me out. Some of it is stress passed to me from my AH because for many years I felt like a burden to him as he complained about my birthday and Mother's day being so close together. He'd get so pissy about it that 2 years ago I told him I'd change my birthday to March if it would help.
So, we're going out to dinner tonight. AH is back on 'trying' to fix himself by going to his psychologist twice a week. It's going to take a long time for me to trust his motivation and behaviors. I've agreed to weekly lunch dates with him and he's agreed to quit whining about that minimal amount of time, the lack of sexual intimacy, and the lack of alcohol in his life. Basically, we just talk about our schedules, work, kid stuff, the dog, the house, etc because if it gets to me talking about 'how's things going with your therapist' or 'how'd it go with the MVD hearing', things take a nasty turn. I have finally come to realize that he isn't capable of having emotional conversations, he doesn't want to hear about my emotions or fears, he can't handle me challenging him on his lies or bad behavior. So, for now, I've taken a step back again. He's being much better these days and I'm hopeful that things can change. Maybe they will, maybe they won't but for today, I'm OK with that.
Ugh, off topic again: I guess I just came on here to see if anyone else has this issue around birthdays, etc? I try my best to enjoy the day, I even scheduled myself for a massage later and I plan on getting a pedicure tomorrow. So, it's not like I'm sitting around in bed being depressed, it's just that my birthday is something that I want to be over with, and it's not about being 1 year older, either, LOL!