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Always depressed on my birthday?

Old 05-10-2013, 09:49 AM
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Always depressed on my birthday?

Ok, so today is my birthday. I can't wait for it to be over. It's like this every year and I can't figure out why(well, I have some indication, I just don't know how to fix it). I hate having any attention on me, I hate being nice and going out to dinner with dh and our son because, quite frankly, I hate eating out. I always eat too much and feel like crap afterwards. I'd be happy with a salad, LOL. So, I order a salad, and then I eat the heavy dessert and pay for it afterwards. Anyway, that's off topic, LOL!

I guess I'm just trying to figure out why I hate celebrations that revolve around me. I don't mind Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, etc but Mother's Day, birthday, and Anniversary really stress me out. Some of it is stress passed to me from my AH because for many years I felt like a burden to him as he complained about my birthday and Mother's day being so close together. He'd get so pissy about it that 2 years ago I told him I'd change my birthday to March if it would help.

So, we're going out to dinner tonight. AH is back on 'trying' to fix himself by going to his psychologist twice a week. It's going to take a long time for me to trust his motivation and behaviors. I've agreed to weekly lunch dates with him and he's agreed to quit whining about that minimal amount of time, the lack of sexual intimacy, and the lack of alcohol in his life. Basically, we just talk about our schedules, work, kid stuff, the dog, the house, etc because if it gets to me talking about 'how's things going with your therapist' or 'how'd it go with the MVD hearing', things take a nasty turn. I have finally come to realize that he isn't capable of having emotional conversations, he doesn't want to hear about my emotions or fears, he can't handle me challenging him on his lies or bad behavior. So, for now, I've taken a step back again. He's being much better these days and I'm hopeful that things can change. Maybe they will, maybe they won't but for today, I'm OK with that.

Ugh, off topic again: I guess I just came on here to see if anyone else has this issue around birthdays, etc? I try my best to enjoy the day, I even scheduled myself for a massage later and I plan on getting a pedicure tomorrow. So, it's not like I'm sitting around in bed being depressed, it's just that my birthday is something that I want to be over with, and it's not about being 1 year older, either, LOL!
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:26 AM
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I felt like this for years. For me, ultimately, it was a matter of a) not feeling like I deserved to receive any kind of special treatment or attention, and b) wanting to live up to others' expectations. Since I worked through those issues in therapy special occasions have been subdued into their proper place in my life!

This is not to say you share those issues.

I would say, though, that it IS SO OKAY for you to celebrate (or not) your birthday or Mother's Day exactly the way you want! Whyever would you celebrate by going out to dinner when you don't enjoy eating out?! Say no, Liz! It's okay!

And lastly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:33 AM
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I feel the same way. I think it's because the people I wanted most to honor me on this day never did.

?
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:37 AM
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Also, happy birthday!

7: :day2: :day1: :
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:40 AM
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My birthdayís never seem to be what I envision for them and I donít like attention focused on me. I wondered the same thing before; why am I so miserable on my birthday. For me, I think this is a result from being a codependent. I feel that I am not good enough for the attention. I feel in a way I donít deserve all the affection. I also tend to do what Iím ďsupposedĒ to do on my birthday instead of what I really want to do. Iím ďsupposedĒ to go out the eat. Iím supposed to have a party. I am still trying to figure out what I want for myself instead. This year I wanted to go sky diving for my birthday. I didnít get to do it, because I didnít have the money, but hopefully next year. Itís still on my goal list.

I hope sometime today you can find some time to do the things you really want to do and you can have a happy birthday like you deserve!!
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:49 AM
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Hey, it's my bday too, we are birthday twins! Happy birthday! Stay strong, Lizatola! We are all here supporting each other

I also feel odd about my birthday, especially since May 10 is also Dia De Las Madres (Mexican Mother's Day is always on May 10th). This morning, my son's dad visited with my son and he did not say anything about my birthday or mother's day. Of course, we are no longer together, so I didn't really expect him to, but I guess it made me think about the last two Mother's Days. My first mother's day, I remember he just pulled the "I don't believe in holidays, you know holidays don't matter to me" excuse (he grew up as a Jehovah's Witness). But it mattered to ME, you know? Everything was always about him. Then my second mother's day, we were already broken up but I remember we went out to dinner with our son and he paid for our meal. It was semi-normal. Now this year, not even an acknowledgement.

I am very thankful I have my son with me today and I'm going to cook us a small dinner and cake, and celebrate in our own way. I know that's all that matters, just the two of us. I'm still struggling with loneliness and still coming to terms with the loss of the "family" I almost delusionally believed in. I try not to think about how my ex goes home to his new wife, when he never lived with me and our son---plus, he always said he "NEVER wanted to get married, ever." I don't know. I guess I am still struggling to completely focus on my own healing and my life as a single mom to my son.
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:57 AM
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You know what guys? I just did something that was so out of character for me. Ah and ds wanted to get me an Ipad mini for my birthday but we were running late today and I realized I would be cramped for time to just get to my massage scheduled at noon. I also knew that my massage lady wasn't going to be available later so this was my only time slot with her available.

So, it was 10:30 and we were halfway to the mall and I told them that I was turning around and taking them back home. I didn't want to be stressed out trying to get to a massage appointment, LOL. My ah had also offered to drop me off but then he said, "You probably don't want me driving your car." Yep, that's right, so this works better. The Ipad can wait, it will always be there but being stressed out for my massage wasn't looking appealing to me!
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by butterfly2013 View Post
Hey, it's my bday too, we are birthday twins! Happy birthday! Stay strong, Lizatola! We are all here supporting each other

I also feel odd about my birthday, especially since May 10 is also Dia De Las Madres (Mexican Mother's Day is always on May 10th). This morning, my son's dad visited with my son and he did not say anything about my birthday or mother's day. Of course, we are no longer together, so I didn't really expect him to, but I guess it made me think about the last two Mother's Days. My first mother's day, I remember he just pulled the "I don't believe in holidays, you know holidays don't matter to me" excuse (he grew up as a Jehovah's Witness). But it mattered to ME, you know? Everything was always about him. Then my second mother's day, we were already broken up but I remember we went out to dinner with our son and he paid for our meal. It was semi-normal. Now this year, not even an acknowledgement.

I am very thankful I have my son with me today and I'm going to cook us a small dinner and cake, and celebrate in our own way. I know that's all that matters, just the two of us. I'm still struggling with loneliness and still coming to terms with the loss of the "family" I almost delusionally believed in. I try not to think about how my ex goes home to his new wife, when he never lived with me and our son---plus, he always said he "NEVER wanted to get married, ever." I don't know. I guess I am still struggling to completely focus on my own healing and my life as a single mom to my son.
Hugs to you today! And, a big huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY, as well!! I like simple quiet birthdays too.

You know what's funny? I got together with a few friends of mine yesterday and we talked about Mother's Day and about how what we really want is a day ALONE. No kids yelling, "mom, where's me____(fill in the blank)", no dishes calling our name to get done, no husbands watching stupid shows on TV(we'll have it on HGTV all day long, thank you very much), etc. Anyway, we all shared how our kids and husbands were just shocked that what we really wanted was to be left alone on a couch with a good book, LOL!
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:07 AM
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That's a terrific decision! Why stress yourself out timewise on your own birthday? Get that massage and enjoy it!

It's someone's birthday today in my life, and I've been stressed out trying to get it together, everything right, and just plain get it all done on time.

Birthdays shouldn't be about stress.

A little pampering isn't a bad thing though...

If you don't like eating out on your birthday, then don't! Say It's MY birthday, and I don't like eating out. I've been eating out for years on my birthday, and it's not what I ever wanted, so no more! To thine own self be true!
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:07 AM
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Happy Birthday from Baton Rouge...!!!!8

I'm so glad I'm at this stage in my life
that is just my husband and I. My little
family from the first marriage all live
in Texas, so as the song goes, "all my
ex's live in Texas, that's why I live here
in Baton Rouge."

I do love food and going to resturants
to eat, but not with all those people. We
try to get there shortly after the resturants
open so we are first to be served.

Shhhhh don't tell anyone but we
even like go grocery shopping in the early
morning before most folks are awake.

I do understand where you are coming
from as Im sure others feel the same.
Hang in there and do what makes you
happy and content in life because you
are worth it.
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Old 05-11-2013, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 View Post
That's a terrific decision! Why stress yourself out timewise on your own birthday? Get that massage and enjoy it!

It's someone's birthday today in my life, and I've been stressed out trying to get it together, everything right, and just plain get it all done on time.

Birthdays shouldn't be about stress.

A little pampering isn't a bad thing though...

If you don't like eating out on your birthday, then don't! Say It's MY birthday, and I don't like eating out. I've been eating out for years on my birthday, and it's not what I ever wanted, so no more! To thine own self be true!
Well, the dinner was actually quite nice. Thanks for the support everyone.
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Old 05-11-2013, 07:59 AM
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you make it how you want it--right?

i mean--now you know what the alcoholic really cares about...

make a change...
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