I'm sorry Ashli you are feeling low and having an internal struggle. What you write of, however, does sound like you have alcoholic tendencies of not wanting to drink but yet you do over and over again. It is normal to be restless on the inside as well as on the outside when you stop drinking. It is the alcohol withdrawing from your body. This is the time when I needed the support of SR here. You may need additional help. I'm also doing some pretty intense counseling getting honest with myself. You are young and can have such a wonderful life; don't let alcohol keep you from being all that you are meant to be.