Comfortably numb
That state I allow myself to settle into. I find a warm spot and don't move. It's my nature. Some may call it a rut.
When I was drinking it was a rut. The well worn path I made between my front door and the bar / liquor store. I could predict each day with certainty. Get up. Try to sober up and drink water. Head to work and hope no one asks me anything or notices. Come home with excitement that I could be free to drink. Change clothes and walk across to the bar. Get blasted. Blackout. Pass out. Get up the next morning with no memory or fuzzy collections of flashes of behavior.
All in all a pretty soothing set of events everyday. Weekends were the same without the rude interruption of work.
Now sober I find its my nature to find that comfortably numb existence. It was not alcohol based.
I went through some bad stuff in December. Things that should have shaken me loose from my life. I should have by now turned it all upside down. But the rhythm of my routine beats loud. I want change but not to much. I want change as long as nothing has to be disturbed.
I don't want my comfortably numb life to be impacted by what's needed for a heathy life. That should be the new definition for insane.
I tell myself I will get up the strength to change it all in a few months. That there are a list of reasons to do nothing. Then I picture the events unfolding and I can barely stand the thoughts.
Stopping drinking does not solve things as we know. It clarifies them but does not make them disappear.
Being sober is letting me get to the point that I can make change happen. Stick a pin in me to see if I am really numb.
I will get there. The is no time limit of when I execute on the plan. Just as long as I have a plan to execute.