Sorry to hear of your struggles. Getting sober is a difficult and scary thing. I am fortunate to have found freedom from the desire to drink as well as a way that I can live a happy life. I have found this passage from the Big Book of AA to be true in my life:
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We
react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. "
This has happened as a result of not just going to AA, but of working the 12 steps and applying them to my life on a daily basis. I am recovered. I am free. This is possible for anyone. I chose AA, some choose other methods with success, but the important thing to know is that freedom is possible for you.