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Freedom from this?

Old 05-07-2013, 11:16 AM
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Freedom from this?

Hi. I am an alcoholic. Plain and simple. 32 year old female that has literally destroyed my life with alcohol. I have never been to rehab. I have done Outpatient stuff, therapy, AA and nothing really seems to last as I always go back. I have literally nothing in my life. I called my dad for the millionth time drunk again last night. He hung up on me.

Thing is, I went finally to check out a Sober Living place for women. I really liked it yesterday and thought this is what I need. I came home and got totally intoxicated.

The reason I went to the sober living place is because last week I got intoxicated and made a scene amongst my roommates. It wasnt the first time and my landlord asked me to go.

I have hardly no money--no job--no friends and no family here. I am almost at the point of skid row. I am posting just to vent as I am so mad at myself.

I have drank at night past 3 days in a row which is a first for me. Its like you would think that with all these bad consequences I would not do it but I do it again and again. I have noticed that somehow over past 6 months my desire to drink more frequently and more often is going up--which lends me to believe its progressive.

I truly want sobriety....I am nervous about this sober living place but I sorta feel like it's my last chance.

How do I deal with the embarrassment and shame of all my broken promises to people? I shutter at how mad my dad is. And he lives 1000 miles away. I called him to tell him I am going to a sober house DRUNK! I am sick of apologizing to people. Maybe I will just let it be.


IDK. I just need reassurance.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:25 AM
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Hi. Glad you found us.

Have you done inpatient?
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:30 AM
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I know the feeling of shame and embarressment... it is torture and will make you want to drink that feeling away... it doesn't take it away, it makes more embaressing and harmful events happen, drunk texts, calls, fights and scenes.
Please don't let your feeling of dispair and humiliation and unworthyness take over. Tell yourself "that was yesterday, today is a new day. I will make things good, I just need time"
Then work on yourself.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:53 AM
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Sorry to hear of your struggles. Getting sober is a difficult and scary thing. I am fortunate to have found freedom from the desire to drink as well as a way that I can live a happy life. I have found this passage from the Big Book of AA to be true in my life:

"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We
react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. "


This has happened as a result of not just going to AA, but of working the 12 steps and applying them to my life on a daily basis. I am recovered. I am free. This is possible for anyone. I chose AA, some choose other methods with success, but the important thing to know is that freedom is possible for you.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:03 PM
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Hi. thanks for all of your replies. I guess I just feel so angry and scared. This sober house has zero tolerance so if I drink, then I am out. So to me it seems like a good idea for a month or two. The shame is unreal because literally past few times I have called dad I have been intoxicated. r

He is so mad at me and he has every right.

Anyways, does anyone know of chances of me having a seizure? I dont drink daily but have past 3 days. I feel physically horrible at moment. Fuzzy head, sick to stomach and dizzy and just plain crap. But the seizure thing is very scary....
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:04 PM
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oh and if it helps, I had wine and vodka past 3 nights. I didnt stay drunk all day. never have done that.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:25 PM
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Hi STarryeyes. If possible, I hope you'll have a doctor check you out. Abruptly stopping can be very dangerous, as you said. (We aren't supposed to give medical advice other than that.)

I'm really glad you found us. I drank my whole life, and was an older person when I decided to quit. You're doing it at a much younger age - and you'll never have to suffer the terrible consequences that many of us have. I think, instead of being ashamed, you should be proud of yourself for owning this, and seeing what you can do to get well. Please stay with us and keep posting.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:37 PM
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I hope the sober living arrangement works out for you.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:39 PM
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Well I am trying to remain calm---I can't really see a doc right now plus they would make me do a detox i think--idk....and i am moving into sober living tomorrow.

So I am just drinking tea and water and reading about all this.

God I hate this problem--it brings no joy just fear.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:58 PM
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I'm so glad you're doing that tomorrow. It can be a whole new beginning. There will be joy and hope in your life again, STarry. You will rise above this and have a better life.
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