You are a strong person! Having a relationship with an alcoholic takes a TON of strength. It also takes everything from you, it has ways of taking more and more a little at a time. Like saying the reason he drinks is because you are/aren't there. So many insidious little things like that. When you take a step back and look at all you've been through, all the things you did for him, all the support you've given with nothing in return..... That IS a strong person. I found it great relief when I was able take that strength and focus it on myself rather than giving it away to my XAW's disease. It could only ever want more. Alanon and this site helped me take back my strength, made me feel good about myself because I had been a strong person even though I was on my knees. It takes a lot of strength to feel that weak and continue to give everything to a disease. That's part of my disease.....