sad

Old 05-06-2013, 03:05 AM
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sad

I have people telling me how strong I am, due to how long I have stood by my alcoholic, trying to keep him on track. I feel weak though, as I keep putting up with the same behaviours that make my own life a misery. I even moved out to put distance between us, telling him he needed to stay sober for at least 6 months before I would consider moving back with him. I was supposidly the reason he drank when we lived together, now its my fault he drinks, because I'm not there. I know that is the alcohol talking. I know i am not to blame. But I'm still waiting and hoping he will be the person he is when sober. When he is sober he is is a wonderful person. Kind, loving, funny, thoughtful. He hates the person he becomes when under the influence. I am finding it really hard to make a permanent break. I moved out 2 years ago, and nothing has changed.
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:42 AM
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Desperation from someone you share a life with is very hard. Attend your al-anon meetings. Make your life about you and your children. Focus less on him and more on you . Find what makes you happy.
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Old 05-06-2013, 04:20 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brings you here. Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We understand.

When I first arrived here at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:

I did not CAUSE it
I can not CONTROL it
I will not CURE it

So his blaming you for his drinking or not drinking is alcoholic B.S. and around here we call it quacking. Quack, Quack! Alcoholics are great manipulators. They will say anything to get us under their control so that they can continue to do what they want to do: DRINK.

I found it best to stop listening to my alcoholic's words and start looking at his actions. His actions did not match his words. I knew then he was lying and manipulating.

Here are some steps that helped me while dealing with an alcoholic:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

that comes from a link at the top of this main page.
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Old 05-06-2013, 04:22 AM
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I meant to add this:

There are permanent posts at the top of this main page. They contain some of our stories. Those posts, called the Sticky Posts, are filled with wisdom.


Here is a link to a section of the Sticky Posts and it is filled with encouragement:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:20 AM
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Seperation not desperation
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:11 AM
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You are a strong person! Having a relationship with an alcoholic takes a TON of strength. It also takes everything from you, it has ways of taking more and more a little at a time. Like saying the reason he drinks is because you are/aren't there. So many insidious little things like that. When you take a step back and look at all you've been through, all the things you did for him, all the support you've given with nothing in return..... That IS a strong person. I found it great relief when I was able take that strength and focus it on myself rather than giving it away to my XAW's disease. It could only ever want more. Alanon and this site helped me take back my strength, made me feel good about myself because I had been a strong person even though I was on my knees. It takes a lot of strength to feel that weak and continue to give everything to a disease. That's part of my disease.....
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:18 PM
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In gentleness I can only say, you do not have the power to keep him on track.

If he chooses to drink, he will.

If he chooses not to drink, he won't

If you are feeling sad about your current situation, maybe it's time for you to make some changes. Change begins with you my friend. If You don't like a certain aspect of your life, only YOU can fix that for yourself. When we look to others for our personal inner joy, and security, we always end up with the short end of the stick.

This is no longer about him, it's about YOU. His actions and choices have worn you quite thin. ( I understand this) Perhaps you could reevaluate how you feel about him. Relationships are forever changing, it takes two mutually invested people, willing to commit and do the work together. When we involve ourselves with an addict, again we get the short end of the stick, as only one person is actually committed to the relationship, the other one is off numbing their brain.

Today, is a good day to make yourself the # 1 priority of your life.
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:23 PM
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The last time I saw my AXH I had a hard time holding back tears. I thought "this is what the man I loved has allowed addiction to reduce him to?"

When he was sober he was witty, funny, caring. Add liquor and he's a demon.

I tried for many years hoping he would hit bottom and find recovery. Even after I left him. I doubt he ever will, now. It's like a shipwreck. Save whomever you can. There's no reason to go down with a sinking ship just because someone else refuses to acknowledge it's sinking.
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Old 05-07-2013, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
When we involve ourselves with an addict, again we get the short end of the stick, as only one person is actually committed to the relationship, the other one is off numbing their brain.
Ain't that the truth!

Anyway, it sounds like you have been making some good choices, trying to move on with your life. Good for you!!

My ABF does the same thing - at first he said he went to the bar to drink to relax and get away from the family - be his own person. (Read - YOU make me drink). Then, his excuse was that he goes to the bar and drinks to avoid drinking around me and the kids (Read - YOU make me drink). Now, his excuse is that he goes to the bar and drinks because he knows that I am going to want him to cut down after our daughter is born in August (read - YOU AND THE BABY make me drink).

Quack, quack, quack. It is all bs. Trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty so he can keep drinking.

Don't fall for it.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:45 PM
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Suffering teach us about our disease, pain teach us about life. Thanks to recovery I can handle pain today and I refuse to suffer, specially for someone that does not deserve one tear from me.
I was really sick, I was no strong I was really sick for putting up with so much, and I put my kids to it too.
Today I don't even find alcoholism funny or challenging, I stay away from it and with compassion I remove myself from being around any alcoholic, me and my adult children are finally seeing alcoholism for what it is, a very destructive disease..
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