well i havent been on here, i have been really busy but something happened yesterday i need to vent....
yesterday i had to work in the morning, and right after work i had to pick up my daughter and bring her to the doctor and then go back to work after feeding her lunch and bringing her to school. so it was drive drive drive.... a little tiring, but im not complaining it was for my kid.... and work ($$)
i had spoken to my husband letting him know that i wouldnt be able to get our 4 year old from my mother in laws house after all that running i ran out of time to be able to go back to the house and brring her to day care.
he was ok with that said he would pick her up after his aa meeting.
then my job called me and said i didnt have to be there for another 45 minutes so i decided i could run home and read my alanon books and rest for 10 minutes. i tried to call and text hubby that i would be home but he didnt answer but it wasnt much time anyway.
I was just getting ready to go to work when i heard his truck pull in the driveway, he came in says why am i still home, i knew he wanted to have sex because we dont really get to anymore, so i tried. i was laying on the bed asking him to come to me but that wasnt good enough for him he got mad got dressed and went downstairs...
well i didnt have much time at all to get to work so i got up and went downsstaitrs to leave for work.
he had a big fit but i didnt have time for that, i REAALLY HAD to go i cannot be late to work i have to be at the bus at a certain time or i screw everyone else up with the line up and he knows this.
im trying to get in the car and leave for work and i locked the doors as soon as i got in, im trying to pull away and hes sticking his hand in the window winding it down to stop me.. tells me hes driving me in..
im proud of myself because at this point i realize i value me.... and i will not get in the car with him when hes like that , driving like a raving lunatic and me fearing for my life.
i get out and hes fighting with me that all he wants is affection and sex and to give him HIS car key..
i threw it at him and told him i tried and i did not have time for his **** i HAD TO GO
i called his sister asked if she could give me a ride to work right away and here he comes behind me with his truck driving like a lunatic. i had to run i hate when he gets like that i feel like he could run me over even though he says he wouldnt his mood sure seemed like he could.
so i get in his sisters car and here he comes with my car blocking her from leaving the drive way saying theres the van .... by this time im really late to leave for work but hes still demanding a hug and still continues to bitch at me.....and that hes sorry and that he loves me he just wants attention and affection and i never give it.
then i tell him ive been driving all morning and am exhausted and im really late and i love him too just to get out of there
that incident immediately reminded me of the last blow out we had which made him put himself in rehab. same scenario me leaving for work him not letting me go, trying to take the car from me.
i absolutely hate that i tried to just leave and not deal with his drama, and i couldnt get away from him.
he is SOOOOO paranoid that im cheating on him he lets it run his life and its really ruining us.
i let him know that his behavior was not acceptable and maybe he should talk to his sponsor because sorry does not cut it.
we also FINALLY got to church sunday Thank God ....
he gave the kids a bath saturday night while i was working
so we could all get ready easier on sunday morning
this tells me he does want to go, its not just me that wants to go
so we get there and the sermon was about healing in the home and how we should treat each other... i cried most of the time i was there....
the joy of being there and hearing that.
they had communion, we both took it, i felt it in my heart
you know what though?????
we all tookk the bread together. except for my husband... who deliberately put it on his knee, like saying nope im not taking it , and it seemed that he was trying to **** ME off ..
i was like youre disgracing God...
he took it before they came around with the wine.... like lassst minute though.
i know thats all on him, i cant do anything about how he acts. i just dont like his attitude lately.
this is long enough. so ill just say his attitude lately is that IM taking his inventory, (when Im not) maybe here im talking about him but i dont take his inventory and call him out on it....
i admit i did ask him if he was smoking crack again when he was trying to get in the van but other than that i keep those what ifs to myself
hes always criticizing what i do
or how im doing it
and im also supposed to be a mind reader of what he thinks i should be doing and i damn well better do it before a second is up or he acts like a whining baby
he is always on the defense even though we dont even accuse him of anything
HE IS DRIVING ME INSANE and i dont know if i can or want to be in this anymore.,
what the hell for? im not that twisted. well maybe i am but i dont see the point if all we are both getting is grief drama and heartbreak.
i want to be happy and im not happy
GRRRR
