is it ever going to get better cuz i dont think so

Old 05-07-2013, 08:54 AM
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is it ever going to get better cuz i dont think so

well i havent been on here, i have been really busy but something happened yesterday i need to vent....

yesterday i had to work in the morning, and right after work i had to pick up my daughter and bring her to the doctor and then go back to work after feeding her lunch and bringing her to school. so it was drive drive drive.... a little tiring, but im not complaining it was for my kid.... and work ($$)
i had spoken to my husband letting him know that i wouldnt be able to get our 4 year old from my mother in laws house after all that running i ran out of time to be able to go back to the house and brring her to day care.
he was ok with that said he would pick her up after his aa meeting.

then my job called me and said i didnt have to be there for another 45 minutes so i decided i could run home and read my alanon books and rest for 10 minutes. i tried to call and text hubby that i would be home but he didnt answer but it wasnt much time anyway.
I was just getting ready to go to work when i heard his truck pull in the driveway, he came in says why am i still home, i knew he wanted to have sex because we dont really get to anymore, so i tried. i was laying on the bed asking him to come to me but that wasnt good enough for him he got mad got dressed and went downstairs...
well i didnt have much time at all to get to work so i got up and went downsstaitrs to leave for work.
he had a big fit but i didnt have time for that, i REAALLY HAD to go i cannot be late to work i have to be at the bus at a certain time or i screw everyone else up with the line up and he knows this.
im trying to get in the car and leave for work and i locked the doors as soon as i got in, im trying to pull away and hes sticking his hand in the window winding it down to stop me.. tells me hes driving me in..
im proud of myself because at this point i realize i value me.... and i will not get in the car with him when hes like that , driving like a raving lunatic and me fearing for my life.
i get out and hes fighting with me that all he wants is affection and sex and to give him HIS car key..
i threw it at him and told him i tried and i did not have time for his **** i HAD TO GO
i called his sister asked if she could give me a ride to work right away and here he comes behind me with his truck driving like a lunatic. i had to run i hate when he gets like that i feel like he could run me over even though he says he wouldnt his mood sure seemed like he could.
so i get in his sisters car and here he comes with my car blocking her from leaving the drive way saying theres the van .... by this time im really late to leave for work but hes still demanding a hug and still continues to bitch at me.....and that hes sorry and that he loves me he just wants attention and affection and i never give it.
then i tell him ive been driving all morning and am exhausted and im really late and i love him too just to get out of there

that incident immediately reminded me of the last blow out we had which made him put himself in rehab. same scenario me leaving for work him not letting me go, trying to take the car from me.


i absolutely hate that i tried to just leave and not deal with his drama, and i couldnt get away from him.
he is SOOOOO paranoid that im cheating on him he lets it run his life and its really ruining us.
i let him know that his behavior was not acceptable and maybe he should talk to his sponsor because sorry does not cut it.
we also FINALLY got to church sunday Thank God ....
he gave the kids a bath saturday night while i was working
so we could all get ready easier on sunday morning
this tells me he does want to go, its not just me that wants to go

so we get there and the sermon was about healing in the home and how we should treat each other... i cried most of the time i was there....
the joy of being there and hearing that.
they had communion, we both took it, i felt it in my heart
you know what though?????
we all tookk the bread together. except for my husband... who deliberately put it on his knee, like saying nope im not taking it , and it seemed that he was trying to **** ME off ..
i was like youre disgracing God...
he took it before they came around with the wine.... like lassst minute though.

i know thats all on him, i cant do anything about how he acts. i just dont like his attitude lately.

this is long enough. so ill just say his attitude lately is that IM taking his inventory, (when Im not) maybe here im talking about him but i dont take his inventory and call him out on it....
i admit i did ask him if he was smoking crack again when he was trying to get in the van but other than that i keep those what ifs to myself


hes always criticizing what i do
or how im doing it
and im also supposed to be a mind reader of what he thinks i should be doing and i damn well better do it before a second is up or he acts like a whining baby
he is always on the defense even though we dont even accuse him of anything

HE IS DRIVING ME INSANE and i dont know if i can or want to be in this anymore.,
what the hell for? im not that twisted. well maybe i am but i dont see the point if all we are both getting is grief drama and heartbreak.
i want to be happy and im not happy

GRRRR
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:01 AM
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HE IS DRIVING ME INSANE and i dont know if i can or want to be in this anymore.,
what the hell for? im not that twisted. well maybe i am but i dont see the point if all we are both getting is grief drama and heartbreak.
i want to be happy and im not happy
So if he's driving you nuts, how do you think you can remedy that?
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:05 AM
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i forgot to say he got up a few times in church to check on the kids or use the bathroom, and it was during those times he left that they said some reallly good things i wish he heard....


and today when i got to talk to him about his behavior towards me yesterday, he was saying that we went to church and its like none of it sunk in,
its funny because i feel like he didnt get it either, that he wasnt taking it seriously or he would have changed his crazy behaviors.... he was the same crazy critical person right down the road from church on the way home,
i am trying to change and im asking my higher power (God ) to lead the way for my life every day.
i feel like im doing my part, i still feel like banging my head against a wall lol
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:07 AM
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i think going to alanon tonight will help me, alot...
i also think that leaving would help too, thought about it many times,
ttthat doesnt solve all the problems though.
he is a father to 3 kids and i dont like decisions he makes when i AM HERE
so i dont know what kind of decisions he will be making when i am NOT HERE
i know im not the only one with this dilemma but it helps to get it out
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by DroPsoJuPiTeR View Post
i think going to alanon tonight will help me, alot...
i also think that leaving would help too, thought about it many times,
ttthat doesnt solve all the problems though.
he is a father to 3 kids and i dont like decisions he makes when i AM HERE
so i dont know what kind of decisions he will be making when i am NOT HERE
i know im not the only one with this dilemma but it helps to get it out
Well, you have a lot of things you need to consider. And when you consider them, you have to think in terms of what's not only best for you, but what's best for your children. You also need to consider them dispassionately. That may be difficult for you.

What I can tell you, though, is if you say or believe that things won't get any better, then they won't get better. But if you say that things can and will get better, there's a good chance that will happen.

ZoSo
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:18 AM
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yes its very very hard for me to think of my children in that way but i understand why youre giving me that suggestion
I usually do try to be positive and keep moving forward, just losing hope with him!!
hes working his program really hard by going to his outpatient and 2 meetings a day but i dont know if hes using the techniques.
i mean maybe im the crazy one here and im doing it all wrong.I thank God for listening to me every morning,and for this place and alanon.... i hope i am recieving what i need to, and using it the way i should
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:48 AM
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as someone who ISN'T there and only going by what you share - that sounds like an AWFUL way to live. i don't know what his trip is, but his behaviors are way out of line, abusive, controlling and downright creepy. the whole sex on demand all the time thing? ewwww. that ain't love, that's lack of impulse control on his part.

you have the RIGHT to say NO. you have the RIGHT to leave for work on time. you have the RIGHT to be free of his ridiculous demands. you have the RIGHT to a happy life, and your children most assuredly deserve one.

what you describe is NOT normal. is NOT typical early recovery. and it's not healthy, for anyone. i hope you begin to see that. being chased down by ANYONE, being yelled at, put down, having your movements controlled, living in fear, not being able to trust him with the kids....it is highly unlikely that HE will change enough to become a suitable partner or parent.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:49 AM
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His behavior sounds exactly like my friend's ex husband, an active crack addict when he was using!

Have you read any of Cynical One's blog? There is a lot of valuable information there, specifically about crack addiction and sex.

You and your kids deserve a home of security, stability, love and laughter....not this chaos and insanity.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:08 AM
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Take your power back. Realize he treats you like a puppet on a string.

Stops you from going to work on time? Does he want you to lose your job? Would he like it if you were that much more dependent upon him?

Think of that old saying about who wears the pants in the family. Everytime you confront him, imagine that you wear the pants, and he wears the skirt. Talk in an authoritative tone of voice when he tries to stop you from going to work on time. Cut him off instantly--I am going to work, and I AM going to be on time.
It sounds like part of what is happening here is that he is so used to being able to jerk you around like a puppet, and that you react instead of respond, and he enjoys all this. He likes having this power over you.
Take YOUR power back!
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:00 AM
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My husband was going to meetings and still taking pills....pretending to be clean and working a recovery. So did my friends ex husband. He was actually smoking crack with his "sponsor." It's really not that uncommon for an active addict to attend meetings.

I am sharing this with you because I had a false sense of security about meetings. Recovery looks and feels like it. The difference is undeniable. Meeting help but don't keep anyone clean.
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:24 PM
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From reading your post I can tell you that there were MANY red flags.

The situation seems extremely abusive and you do not deserve that. He cannot demand sex and then throw a hissy fit because he doesn't like the way you are going about it. That is insane and the fact that at times you fear that he will run you over and that he drives so crazy that you fear for you life when you are in the car with him sounds like active using to me. And if he is sober, that is almost even more scary.

Nobody has the right to demand sex, make you fear for your safety, prevent you from getting to work on time, talk down to you, think that they are so much better than you that you should read their mind and do exactly what they wan that second or they have the right to yell, tell you that you do things wrong, etc.

You aren't happy because you know that he is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you know that he does not treat you right. In fact, it goes beyond not treating you right, it is abuse.

I think it is time to start thinking about what you want the future to look like for you and your children and then decide what steps you need to take to get there and then go from there. If you think he is driving you crazy now, imagine another 5 years, 10 years, 20 years etc. The abuse will only get worse, and he will not change.
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:46 PM
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Please try to turn the focus on yourself and work a really strong recovery program.

This guy sounds dangerous, I certainly would not be anywhere near a guy who pointed a truck at me while he was behind the wheel.
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:34 PM
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thanks for all the replies, i just got done for the day from work and an alanon meeting (and dinner showers etc)
come to find out he was out of his meds for two days which explains alot , and couldnt get any until he was seen by a doctor.
and the doctor prescribed him with something elsee besides what he was taking.

he got it filled today, but i think its crazy how he can act one way and then totally different another . theres so much tension and anymosity and such lack of communication here... and he thinks i cheat on him because i have in the past
but still its no excuse for how he behaved yesterday.
thank God my children were not present for that
I talked about it at the alanon meeting tonight, and Im finally connecting with people there and got two phone numbers from people in the room...
i am hoping to pick one of them for a sponsor
i mentioned that if my husband was doing all his meetings and rehab every day i think he would be acting different by now, not trying to take his inventory but just an observation.
he did apologize and say how he was feeling without his medicine , but its very scary to think he could be like jekkyl and hyde without it.
im trying to do my part and also pray to God every day for his will to be done, and to detach from him when he acted like that i really hope its the meds like he said because i immediately thought he was using when he acted like that
i have never been on any medicine where i would get psychotic if i didnt have it so i dont know what to think.
but i am getting better at the boundary stuff and do know that if i have to i can make it on my own so he needs to start showing hes working the program he so diligently goes to or im going to keep growing and he WILL be left behind
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:37 PM
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and im not cheating on him but i know its hard for him to trust me i have been cheated on myself and it made me kind of paranoid so i get that part....
somewhere in this crazy schedule of ours we have to get to the counselor together
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Old 05-08-2013, 05:48 AM
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What kind of meds?

Reading your post reminded me of what it felt like in my home when there was an active addict living here. He also had abandonment issues and anxiety problems. The simplest of things could be turned into complete chaos. A trip to the beach with awesome fun friends was turned into a stress-filled angry nightmare. One minute normal, one minute nuts, one minute apologetic.

He once called me a stuck up b**** because I declined to fight in the street with him, on a stranger's doorstep.

I had no clue what was going on, but later came to believe it was crack related. After he was gone I found evidence including "smoke rock" written on a piece of paper and a weird looking aluminum can with residue on it.

He was only here about three weeks, but three days was enough to drive me insane.
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Old 05-08-2013, 05:10 PM
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he was on a sleepin pill and an anti anxiety pill and two other things, i read the pamphlet for the anxiety one when i got it and it was for bipolar or anxiety.
thats what he hadnt taken in two days
this other medicine the dr gave him yesterday is buproprion??
and he said the dr says he has a.d.d.
i said are you sure its not bipolar and you just dont want to say?
honestly he has been a total ******* the past couple years
and i can TOTALLY relate to your beach story or wanting to fight no matter who is around.
its like we dont really have any good memories together.
even if we are going somewhere thats supposed to be fun, he may not fight with me there (if its my family he doesnt really start his drama) but you better be sure that on the way there and on the way back home is going to be pure hell.

i have to be honest with myself....
i am just not attracted to him anymore.
crack has done a number on him he is gaining weight again, but his teeth are disgusting and it is a big turn off. like who the hell wants to kiss anyone in the mouth looking llike that. and his personality and attitude really suck'
i am not a vain person i never really cared about looks im just disgusted with him and all he wants is love attention and affection as soon as i walk through the door whether hes bitching at me or not.
so hes not getting what he wants and he gets psychotic
and im not getting what i want a little peace and quiet and a little less demand .
that incident i started the thread with ( when he would not let me leave for work and took the van key....)
all he wanted was a hug and a kiss and it ended withhim screaming thats what he wanted and i gave it to him but its insane.
and ohhhhh my goodness. the medicine the doctor started him on yesterday, they told him his sex drive would go sky high with this.
i said great you hardly get it now, so whats going to happen?
really he may say he wantss it but i dont give it to him. maybe once or twice a month hes gotten it... because im not attracted to him and his nasty attitude.
so he can demand this and that but i dont give in, i have to feel like i want to do something or im not doing it. bottom line.
i am getting stronger at a lot of things in my life.
and i want to keep getting stronger and finding ME
and not be afraid to succeed or to do it alone.
im getting there.
baby steps., because this life is not normal
and i know it
just need the courage and strength to get to where i want to be
with God in my heart I have faith I am exactly where I need to be and will end up exactly where I am meant to be
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:37 AM
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I will not have sex with a lunatic and would not allow a lunatic to drive my child anywhere.

Do you have any boundaries?
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Old 05-10-2013, 03:31 PM
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i am working on my boundaries, although its a little step i refused to get in the car with him when he was like that. my kids were not there...
thats one of my boundaries i set is that i refuse to get into a carr with him if hes acting irate like that.
i know he must be frustrated with himself, its kind of like the tables have turned, i used to be just like him, jealous insecure and acting out ( but i never took the key from him) i probably would have if i could have though now that i look back, he was just on a mission to get out of the house and nothing was stopping him.

now i could care less what he is doing, im not jealous of him and i feel like im the old him (minus the drugs etc) and hes the old me...
the old me didnt feel so good and when i acted like a crazy person i hated myself and just wanted him to love me over everything else (hunting drinking drugs his friends)
and i would bang on windows or break phones etc
and i would feel ashamed of how i acted.
i just couldnt control myself. i dont know what changed but it did and im glad i dont have to feel that way and im sorry that he is feeling the way he is feeling
i guess they are trying him on different meds for his anxiety or whatever he has .... i asked that they please not give him xanax because ive heard crazy stories about that medicine.

the good thing i found out is that they wont prescribe him anything like that because he can abuse it, guess its trial and error but i hope this new medicine works out for him, although hes already said hes hardly getting sleep and he doesnt feel like its working but it has to build up in his system
so we will see if the medicine helps him regulate his moods, some days are good and some days are crazy but i do try not to deal with things the way i used to....
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Old 05-10-2013, 03:56 PM
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Is it going to get better? God only knows. But what can YOU do to make your life better.

You do have a choice in this.

I was with my "soul mate" for 16 years and birthed a son. I NEVER myself in this position. In a way he made it easy on me because he abandoned us wihout looking back. I didn't have the choice to leave him. But, now, I see my life is better without an addict. I deserve better. Do you?
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Old 05-11-2013, 04:58 AM
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thats why im here to work on myself to make my life better ... we will see where i end up working the steps
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