Is this part of it? Coming out of the fog and having things "hit" you??
ABSOLUTELY and POSITIVELY.
We use an adage around here of the frog. You can put a frog in a pot of water and then start to heat the water up and the frog will not jump out. However, put a frog into a pot of very hot water and he will jump out. You have been the frog in slowly heating up pot of water. All this was happening around you, and you could not comprehend it, nor did you want to at the time.
We sometimes refer this to the River of Denile, lol or the Elephant in the Room. Now that you are away from the situation your denial is diminishing and you are 'seeing' the truth.
I have come to find out over these many years that it is very important for my own serenity and peace of mind to stay close to others that have also been where I was. It is a 'good reminder' for me.
Heck, I started being 'lacksidaisical' about my own recovery, and in early 2010 became involved with an 'old' very old first love. It took me 10 months to finally see through my own denial, one more time, to realize why I had broken up with him 43 years prior. Sheesh he was a practicing alcoholic, go figure. So, I got back to the boards here, and again started attending Alanon meetings, and called my Alanon sponsor out in California and slowly worked through the mess I had made of me.
I had a pretty darn good opinon about myself, and great self esteem and self worth, and in 10 months he had me thinking I was crazy, that it was me not him, etc etc until something he said one day in early October made something in my head SNAP, the curtain was lifted, and in that moment (a moment of clarity) I knew, I just knew. Couldn't call the airlines soon enough, or get my bags packed quick enough and I was on a plane home.
So you had your initial 'aha' moment, got yourself and your children safe, and now you can work on you, so this cannot happen again. The clarity you are seeing now is VERY GOOD and I am glad it is happening for you!
Do not beat yourself up. What you are seeing is just how manipulative he was and is to have kept you in the dark as long as he did. The A's in our lives are excellent manipulators and they become that way to PROTECT their addiction.
Glad you are here!!!
Love and hugs,