Coming out of "the fog"

Old 05-06-2013, 01:43 PM
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Coming out of "the fog"

You all have seen where I've said so many times "how did I not know?" or "why didn't I pursue such-n-such event or explanation further?" during my time with my XABF. Even today, out of the blue, I'm walking along and two things came to my mind where something was right in front of me and I did not know. Seriously did not know.

1)During moving, in the middle of the chaos, one of the movers held his hand out to me. He said "um, found this, you might want it." I took it, a pill, wondered "huh? what in the world?" carried it downstairs, held it out to the ex and said "this fell from the couch what is it?" He looked and with the most believable expression he said "I have no idea. In the couch? Who knows. Weird." I actually believed him, the movers were all around, boxes in and out, it was pouring rain. It was chaos. I tossed the pill without another thought. Until today. Looked it up. Oxycontin. But of course. Alcohol, weed, cocaine and now I know Oxycontin. I'm glad I know. Don't get me wrong. I believe I am just flabbergasted I honestly did not think he was using, I seriously believed him and his explanation AND it did not enter my brain again until today.
2)One time, he and I discussed how the GP's of the kids were so, so, so involved every single day on every single thing regarding the GC. Believe me, I have seen close and loving GP's, I've seen uncaring GP's...this stuff I was seeing was like over-invlovement to a point of chaos with calls and calls going back and forth all the time. Enough I brought it up with him because it was above and beyond. His explanation was "I think it's because the kids spend time with them, they are GP's, they forget they aren't the actual parents sometimes and we're all really close. Heck, one time they actually said they wanted custody/to raise the boys and I had to set them straight on who was the parent versus the GP's. They get out of line like that all the time, it's totally crazy, too, but I have to step in and get it straight when it happens." I remember shaking my head and telling him "good grief. i don't get it. how can these adults not understand how much chaos they are causing? how are you able to work and take this many calls from them, too?" Can't remember anything after that.
Today this came to me and I now realize--they KNEW all the while. The GP's. They've known for however long they've known and that's why it was thrown out there about them raising the kids way back when.
Of course I am assuming my reasoning to be correct.
Why am I sharing this? Well, I guess I'm wondering if anyone else was ever like this where things started falling in to place, memories come back to you, answers hit you out of the blue...while in the midst of the recovery and NC and the whole shabang.
God, I feel so strange. Like I was in some kind of trance during that time and a major idiot, basically. OK, so I'm not there now which is good. But how, oh how, is it possible to be lied to so, so, so many times about things and I swear, I really did not know. Until I knew. That is a given.
Is this part of it? Coming out of the fog and having things "hit" you??
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:58 PM
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Is this part of it? Coming out of the fog and having things "hit" you??
ABSOLUTELY and POSITIVELY.

We use an adage around here of the frog. You can put a frog in a pot of water and then start to heat the water up and the frog will not jump out. However, put a frog into a pot of very hot water and he will jump out. You have been the frog in slowly heating up pot of water. All this was happening around you, and you could not comprehend it, nor did you want to at the time.

We sometimes refer this to the River of Denile, lol or the Elephant in the Room. Now that you are away from the situation your denial is diminishing and you are 'seeing' the truth.

I have come to find out over these many years that it is very important for my own serenity and peace of mind to stay close to others that have also been where I was. It is a 'good reminder' for me.

Heck, I started being 'lacksidaisical' about my own recovery, and in early 2010 became involved with an 'old' very old first love. It took me 10 months to finally see through my own denial, one more time, to realize why I had broken up with him 43 years prior. Sheesh he was a practicing alcoholic, go figure. So, I got back to the boards here, and again started attending Alanon meetings, and called my Alanon sponsor out in California and slowly worked through the mess I had made of me.

I had a pretty darn good opinon about myself, and great self esteem and self worth, and in 10 months he had me thinking I was crazy, that it was me not him, etc etc until something he said one day in early October made something in my head SNAP, the curtain was lifted, and in that moment (a moment of clarity) I knew, I just knew. Couldn't call the airlines soon enough, or get my bags packed quick enough and I was on a plane home.

So you had your initial 'aha' moment, got yourself and your children safe, and now you can work on you, so this cannot happen again. The clarity you are seeing now is VERY GOOD and I am glad it is happening for you!

Do not beat yourself up. What you are seeing is just how manipulative he was and is to have kept you in the dark as long as he did. The A's in our lives are excellent manipulators and they become that way to PROTECT their addiction.

Glad you are here!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:05 PM
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Yes, looking back I see many things that could have been eye-openers for me, but just weren't.

The first one for me was so maddening it made me shake. I went to do his laundry and out of his pockets came some little box of "cop mints" or something like this. Mints you're supposed to eat to cover up the alcohol on your breath.

He doesn't drive so I wasn't worried that he was drinking and driving, but the fact that he had these mints made me think that he was drinking behind my back and it enraged me.

When I confronted him about them, he said that he wasn't drinking and without even skipping a beat he was able to come up with this story that he liked the flavor of them and they helped his sinus condition.

I said angrily, well if you need mints for your sinuses and you're not drinking, then buy some effing other mints!!!

And we never talked about it again. But what kind of denial was I in where I must have believed him at some level that he was not drinking?

So pathetic. I just moved on with our lives...

Until the next thing would happen. It had to happen in our marriage maybe 4-5 times before I finally got myself to an Al Anon meeting. I'd thought about it before then, but just told myself it wasn't really a problem. Well, I was wrong.

There were so many sneaky things. Times he said I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'll meet you in the car...in which he was actually chewing on pot leaves to get high.

Times where he said he was gonna go for a late night walk -- where I really thought he just wanted to go for a walk and have some time to himself since he doesn't really get out without a license and said he'd be talking to his family or friends on the phone....in which he was actually walking to bars and drinking and coming home super late.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think of all the hiding and sneaking. Lying straight to my face. Ugh.

But now I'm starting to get it. I'm not dealing with my husband. I'm dealing with addiction and it's a totally different beast of a thing.

I have a security stick lock up against my front door and I can't tell you how much better I feel coming home each time knowing that my husband could not get in here no matter how much he wanted to.

I have to keep the addiction OUT. And yeah, more and more things keep coming to mind where I see the manipulation which just stand to remind me that I'm so glad I told him to leave the house 3 weeks ago.

And Laurie -- LOVE that frog situation. Such a GREAT way to describe what we go through!
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