Coming out of "the fog"
You all have seen where I've said so many times "how did I not know?" or "why didn't I pursue such-n-such event or explanation further?" during my time with my XABF. Even today, out of the blue, I'm walking along and two things came to my mind where something was right in front of me and I did not know. Seriously did not know.
1)During moving, in the middle of the chaos, one of the movers held his hand out to me. He said "um, found this, you might want it." I took it, a pill, wondered "huh? what in the world?" carried it downstairs, held it out to the ex and said "this fell from the couch what is it?" He looked and with the most believable expression he said "I have no idea. In the couch? Who knows. Weird." I actually believed him, the movers were all around, boxes in and out, it was pouring rain. It was chaos. I tossed the pill without another thought. Until today. Looked it up. Oxycontin. But of course. Alcohol, weed, cocaine and now I know Oxycontin. I'm glad I know. Don't get me wrong. I believe I am just flabbergasted I honestly did not think he was using, I seriously believed him and his explanation AND it did not enter my brain again until today.
2)One time, he and I discussed how the GP's of the kids were so, so, so involved every single day on every single thing regarding the GC. Believe me, I have seen close and loving GP's, I've seen uncaring GP's...this stuff I was seeing was like over-invlovement to a point of chaos with calls and calls going back and forth all the time. Enough I brought it up with him because it was above and beyond. His explanation was "I think it's because the kids spend time with them, they are GP's, they forget they aren't the actual parents sometimes and we're all really close. Heck, one time they actually said they wanted custody/to raise the boys and I had to set them straight on who was the parent versus the GP's. They get out of line like that all the time, it's totally crazy, too, but I have to step in and get it straight when it happens." I remember shaking my head and telling him "good grief. i don't get it. how can these adults not understand how much chaos they are causing? how are you able to work and take this many calls from them, too?" Can't remember anything after that.
Today this came to me and I now realize--they KNEW all the while. The GP's. They've known for however long they've known and that's why it was thrown out there about them raising the kids way back when.
Of course I am assuming my reasoning to be correct.
Why am I sharing this? Well, I guess I'm wondering if anyone else was ever like this where things started falling in to place, memories come back to you, answers hit you out of the blue...while in the midst of the recovery and NC and the whole shabang.
God, I feel so strange. Like I was in some kind of trance during that time and a major idiot, basically. OK, so I'm not there now which is good. But how, oh how, is it possible to be lied to so, so, so many times about things and I swear, I really did not know. Until I knew. That is a given.
Is this part of it? Coming out of the fog and having things "hit" you??