Remember that we are dealing with alcohol/drugs, cunning, baffling and powerful. It is hard for people around us to understand the WHY? My wife really struggled and when she looks at still kind of shakes her head. It is one of the reasons why I talk to other alcoholics who do understand. You were right when you said you need to focus on yourself because your only real answer is because you are an addict and alcoholic. That is the answer you need to give yourself.