I am grateful for this board, and for all that share, especially those that are transparent regarding their own experiences. It's comforting. I don't have the strength anymore to endure these cycles, nor the energy to patronize my wife with her addiction. More importantly, the cycles are taking a toll on my education, something I thought she supported (so she said). I'm in damage control mode, now, trying to salvage my rational emergence so I can pass at least two of the three classes I'm taking this semester. How do I push it aside and focus on tough subjects, will be my challenge this week, striving for excellence in an attempt to recover from the distractions that took... no, that I chose to ignore to support my wife. It's hard to admit that I chose to put school last so she could come first. It's even harder now getting back into the swing of studying, while all this unfolds (again). I've done it in the past, but it is tiresome, and old. I had a test today, that I didn't go to for the one topic I will have to sacrifice for the other two classes to survive. My hope is next semester will be addict-free, and with better coping skills, sanity, and a great deal of recovery under my belt. I'm taking these steps, now, to enable my success because it models what I would want for my wife. She doesn't see it, and I accept that. The future will be there, I have no doubt, and all my wishing for a better future does nothing for my here and now. It's easy to state it and another to do it. I will take a shower, dress, and face my instructors today, without excuses, or expectation, and do the work necessary to push forward. That's all I can do, isn't it? Is it? There's that "I can" again. I choose to put myself first, for a change. It feels strange, as if my marriage goals are no longer about us, but just me. I long for the day when the internal thought is happy, not sad, as it is now. That self-worth is measured by my own compass for success, not linked to the addict I love.