It's been one separation after another, where she'll stay away. She seems to forget the hurt and pain she caused, the verbal and mental attacks--anything so it gives her the excuse to justify her behavior. It's never her fault, but after a week or so, it's "I miss you. I love you. I need you. I...", with no apology. And I'd take her back, expecting... yea, different without the addiction. It hasn't happened, and if anything, I've been enabling her to repeat the cycle, all the while telling myself I can handle this, I can manage this, I can... I can... I can.. it's a cycle that eats away inside, thinking "if I just do this...", or "that", something will give and the marriage will blossom.
Sad... holding the tears.
I want to share so much and I will with my therapist this week. My challenge is following through with the boundaries, that I hope this low for me is the catalyst for my growth, and by accepting it, her growth, too. Well, her potential growth, how she sees it and responds to it. My part is now my recovery. This site is a positive chance for that to occur. I feel my venting is somehow a mechanism for me to break out of the destructive cycle I've been enabling, being accountable, and responsible for the choices ahead. So much pain in these threads, and the responses give clarity, albeit, slowly for me. I'm looking now, eyes forward. I'm feeling now, my own pulse, and not hers. I know I want it to be easy, but then that is why she does what she does--it's easy. And my easy methods have been to say "Sure", or "I love you", and a host of other non-constructive discussions and behaviors that minimized the past, allowed us both to fancy our precious stable-unstable relationship. I don't want to just exist for her benefit anymore, to be used, abused, and in some cases, assaulted. Not enough to bruise me, but enough to warrant distancing myself from her with a separation. I've never hit her, even felt the temptation. I know it speaks volumes to some about my own experiences of being a victim to physical abuse, but that is not the case. I'm ex-military and so I minimize such attacks. Still, it indicates anger issues with my wife, another issue that help, professional or otherwise, would be helpful.
To some degree, the walls are already up for me, and that hurts even more, knowing what I have with my wife. The simple remedy now, is enforcing boundaries, while going through what lays ahead for me.
Thank you for listening. I will be back later. For now, I need to go to bed without my wife here, something I dread, that I haven't ever gone to bed without her, let alone rise without her. Marriage is a lifestyle for a devoted Christian man, and the bed is undefiled that it was always a place of peace, happiness, and rest--for us both.
I miss her... good night.