I just had my second counselling session and it threw up a few things for me, which I will be needing to deal with, but talking through one thing brought It into focus
I had mentioned that I was 50 days sober yesterday and she gave a big smile and little clap, but then I went on to explain that it was not a great anniversary. I feel I need to share this, because others may feel the same thing.
I was feeling rather blue last night, and was emailing a good friend that I was missing alcohol. I miss getting blootered, at home alone, I miss wine with meals, I miss a warming brandy on a cold night. Unlike Shoes, I don't see alcohol as an abusive adulterous ex. I feel my relationship was more complicated, and not always so negative. I had a lot of happy times, I had fun. I know I won't, I know I can't ever drink again, and really I am ok with that, but yesterday was like ' so flipping what? 50 days, I have 30+ years to go. And I felt like I need still to complete my grieving. I mourn the loss of a friend, may not have been the best friend to have, might have been a really bad friend to have, but it was my friend and now it's gone. Never to be part of my life again. Now most days, I see the upside of that, see only the benefits of sobriety, of which there are many. But as with anniversaries after a death, these big dates remind me of what is no more. I explained this to my counsellor and she said, ' I'm sorry, I won't make anything of them again' and I said, no, it's fine, these dates are good and positive and an achievement, but they are also poignant to me. And I'm ok with that.