I'm not sure what avenues you have tried to get & stay sober, but I tried several, failed , tried again, or and over again. It doesn't sound like you have a support system in place and that is vital to sobriety, in my opinion. When I started attending AA the second time, I went 3-4 times a week, even when I didn't want to , one time, I even drank first because I dreaded going so bad I had to "drink myself into it" Yes, that was the depth of my drunken insanity! Anyway, I began to connect to people in AA and formed solid friendships, accountabilty partners. Then as I was working the steps, I decided that while I was making amends, I also needed to be really honest with them. I knew they loved me unconditionally, but had no idea how to be supportive because they had no clue how severe my addiction was. When I told them, they stepped right up to the plate. Called me daily , showed up with grocieries, flowers, took me to dinner, stayed with me the nights I was so depressed I wanted to drink myself to death. They refused to let me alone during those dark days. Things began to get better, because I knew I wasn't alone anymore in my recovery. As the months went on, life still happened, but I learned to turn to what had proven to work for me, my support system. Had a rough night lastnight. Didn't want to drink, but cried for hours and loathed myself because of everything I have lost to alcohol. Called a friend from AA, sent to dinner, and a meeting. I am smiling again today!
One priceless quote I heard in AA that I would like to share with you........AA didn't teach me to live with my drinking, it taught me to live with my sobriety. Sounds like that is where you are, you need to learn to live every moment, un-numbed, facing reality head on and living with the consequences of your alcoholism, while reclaiming your life. Whatever you decide to do to get sober, please get sober . It is a day by day journey. Don't worry about being sober next week, next month or ten years from now, just don't take that next drink. So many sources of help and support out there for us. Just reach out! Good luck to you. You are worth this, and so is your family. Trust me, your children are watching what you do with this monster , and it will shape them one way or the other.