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Trying again

Old 04-27-2013, 09:15 AM
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Trying again

I've tried to stop drinking several times. I recently turned 30 and started when I was 19, and it quickly got to a point where I was drinking daily and very heavily. When I was 24, I got a DWI after getting into an argument with my fiancee and leaving the house. I drank even more while I was on probation because I couldn't smoke weed. I stopped drinking for about two months towards the end of my probation following a rough night when I cut all my hair off while listening to the song Needle In The Hay, like in the movie The Royal Tennenbaums, leading my friends and fiancee to think I was about to kill myself, having had some issues with depression. Since then, we've gotten married and become parents, and while I feel like I'm a great dad, I know I'm not a great husband, in large part due to my drinking. I recently got into it with my wife while we were out with some friends and acted like an ass. That night ended up with me screaming at my wife to leave, and let our daughter decide who she wanted to stay with, and me climbing on the hood of my wife's truck to stop her from leaving, then sobbing on the phone with my dad, who has basically quit drinking completely, on the way home and telling him I was tired of being like this. I went 15 days without drinking following that, but after the death of a friend and the anger I felt at giving up drinking, I went right back to it. That was about two weeks ago, and once again, I went and made an ass of myself last night. My wife just got a new job, so my parents kept our daughter and I took her out for dinner, then we met a friend of hers for her birthday. On the way home, I drunkenly picked a fight, which quickly escalated because she knew it was because of alcohol again. She's not speaking to me this morning, which is understandable, and I have that awful morning after feeling for what has to be the millionth time. I want to stop drinking, and I know that if I don't, it's only a matter of time before I ruin my marriage and possibly my life, but even as I write I think, "Well, if you'd just drink a little less..." or "If you'd just hold your tongue when you get irrationally pissed off while you're drunk..." I'm tired of being a person that I wouldn't be able to stand if I came across them myself, and at the same time, the idea of going through life without alcohol is extremely tough. I've been to an AA meeting before, and I was pretty uncomfortable there, though that might have been because it was new, and I didn't go of my own free will that time. My wife has been less and less supportive of me quitting drinking because I've said that I'd stop so many times, then started again, that she doesn't think it will last. I've tried talking to my dad about it, but he has a way of putting things that just irritates me. I'm ready to stop screwing my life up, but I just don't know how to do it and stick with it. I'm not the worst person in the world, but I feel like I'd be a better one without drinking.
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Old 04-27-2013, 09:19 AM
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I couldn't get sober and stay sober until I fully committed to AA.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:34 PM
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I'm not sure what avenues you have tried to get & stay sober, but I tried several, failed , tried again, or and over again. It doesn't sound like you have a support system in place and that is vital to sobriety, in my opinion. When I started attending AA the second time, I went 3-4 times a week, even when I didn't want to , one time, I even drank first because I dreaded going so bad I had to "drink myself into it" Yes, that was the depth of my drunken insanity! Anyway, I began to connect to people in AA and formed solid friendships, accountabilty partners. Then as I was working the steps, I decided that while I was making amends, I also needed to be really honest with them. I knew they loved me unconditionally, but had no idea how to be supportive because they had no clue how severe my addiction was. When I told them, they stepped right up to the plate. Called me daily , showed up with grocieries, flowers, took me to dinner, stayed with me the nights I was so depressed I wanted to drink myself to death. They refused to let me alone during those dark days. Things began to get better, because I knew I wasn't alone anymore in my recovery. As the months went on, life still happened, but I learned to turn to what had proven to work for me, my support system. Had a rough night lastnight. Didn't want to drink, but cried for hours and loathed myself because of everything I have lost to alcohol. Called a friend from AA, sent to dinner, and a meeting. I am smiling again today! One priceless quote I heard in AA that I would like to share with you........AA didn't teach me to live with my drinking, it taught me to live with my sobriety. Sounds like that is where you are, you need to learn to live every moment, un-numbed, facing reality head on and living with the consequences of your alcoholism, while reclaiming your life. Whatever you decide to do to get sober, please get sober . It is a day by day journey. Don't worry about being sober next week, next month or ten years from now, just don't take that next drink. So many sources of help and support out there for us. Just reach out! Good luck to you. You are worth this, and so is your family. Trust me, your children are watching what you do with this monster , and it will shape them one way or the other.
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:39 PM
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Hi texasfan. I'm glad you're taking a look at what alcohol is doing to your life.

When I was your age I still had 20 more yrs. of drinking before I even thought of quitting. You can imagine the trainwreck my life became. Like you, I couldn't imagine my life without it. How I wish I had admitted I had no control & it was destroying me. Terrible things happened because I was too stubborn to reach out for help. This won't happen to you. We're happy you're here - you are never alone with this.
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:58 PM
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I wish you the best texanfan. I find SR is a good place to come to when life gets stressful.
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Old 04-28-2013, 01:01 AM
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Living sober is good. In the beginning the idea of never drinking again filled me with dread and made me feel sick. It retrospect that feeling was just the addiction squirming.

I never experience "never" it is always "now".

it's a toxin that interferes with normal brain functioning and damages the emotional system.
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