It sounds to me like things are coming to a head with your drinking career. I had many moments like this. Many times where I would lose control and the next day of course had an unfavorable outcome. I am not able to control myself once i start drinking. I would like to be able to control myself. If I could do that, I would not be on a forum with others who have alcohol problems, drug problems, are recovered, working towards recovery....You get the picture.
I also made many many promises about not drinking and not one of the promises were kept. I am here again, sober. I would think that one would stop before it is too late. In my case NO. I kept it up and I lost a great deal from the process. It is not as hard as you might think. There are some challenges at times with getting and remaining sober. The first few weeks are troublesome for some individuals. It is well worth the discomfort to have a honorable life. One day at a time and nothing else is what keeps a person sober. You can do this. You really can