Trying again
I've tried to stop drinking several times. I recently turned 30 and started when I was 19, and it quickly got to a point where I was drinking daily and very heavily. When I was 24, I got a DWI after getting into an argument with my fiancee and leaving the house. I drank even more while I was on probation because I couldn't smoke weed. I stopped drinking for about two months towards the end of my probation following a rough night when I cut all my hair off while listening to the song Needle In The Hay, like in the movie The Royal Tennenbaums, leading my friends and fiancee to think I was about to kill myself, having had some issues with depression. Since then, we've gotten married and become parents, and while I feel like I'm a great dad, I know I'm not a great husband, in large part due to my drinking. I recently got into it with my wife while we were out with some friends and acted like an ass. That night ended up with me screaming at my wife to leave, and let our daughter decide who she wanted to stay with, and me climbing on the hood of my wife's truck to stop her from leaving, then sobbing on the phone with my dad, who has basically quit drinking completely, on the way home and telling him I was tired of being like this. I went 15 days without drinking following that, but after the death of a friend and the anger I felt at giving up drinking, I went right back to it. That was about two weeks ago, and once again, I went and made an ass of myself last night. My wife just got a new job, so my parents kept our daughter and I took her out for dinner, then we met a friend of hers for her birthday. On the way home, I drunkenly picked a fight, which quickly escalated because she knew it was because of alcohol again. She's not speaking to me this morning, which is understandable, and I have that awful morning after feeling for what has to be the millionth time. I want to stop drinking, and I know that if I don't, it's only a matter of time before I ruin my marriage and possibly my life, but even as I write I think, "Well, if you'd just drink a little less..." or "If you'd just hold your tongue when you get irrationally pissed off while you're drunk..." I'm tired of being a person that I wouldn't be able to stand if I came across them myself, and at the same time, the idea of going through life without alcohol is extremely tough. I've been to an AA meeting before, and I was pretty uncomfortable there, though that might have been because it was new, and I didn't go of my own free will that time. My wife has been less and less supportive of me quitting drinking because I've said that I'd stop so many times, then started again, that she doesn't think it will last. I've tried talking to my dad about it, but he has a way of putting things that just irritates me. I'm ready to stop screwing my life up, but I just don't know how to do it and stick with it. I'm not the worst person in the world, but I feel like I'd be a better one without drinking.