I hear ya, and know its not easy. I hope you can find what it is you need to help you make the decision to end that misery. You can do it if you decide to.
Man, I could remember, before I quit, I was getting so depressed. I was so depressed I actually hurt. Felt this dread at times wash over me, made it hard to breathe.
I'm going to paste something below. This was one of the things that resonated with me so much that I had to save it. It was a post I read, right here on SR, posted by BackToSquareOne, and the link to the Thread is provided:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-tomorrow.html
Let me take a wild shot in the dark here. When you drink you get sort of a warm glow, you're totally at peace, your mind seems to expand, your brain can wander off into all kind of fantasies, your inhibitions vanish and all things seem possible. When you wake up the next day all of that seems to vanish, the warm glow is replaced with a sense of impending doom. Noises seem louder, you have a constant subliminal anxiety, you're restless, irritable, something is direly wrong with the world. You can't get comfortable, can't focus, you're now a depressed anxious mess. That's the merry-go-round that you get on with alcohol. You buy the ticket, you take the ride.
____
I hope it means something to you too.