Livingego,
There were a few things that popped out at me while I was reading. Number one: paramedic, I'm one too, well, I'm licensed, physically unable though. Number two: jail, liking it, I've never spent significant time there, thank God, only picking up inmates that got their faces bashed in. Number three: God / atheist. As a paramedic, are you telling me you didn't see miracles happen, you haven't experienced miracles happen, your child isn't a miracle. Doesn't have to be "God" just find a Higher Power. Not religious, spiritual. There is a HUGE difference. I'm not into religion, I'm definitely into spiritual. My Higher Power helps keep my arse out of trouble and helps protects my family and I. You know, bad things still happen in life, but MY Higher Power didn't "MAKE" them happen or "ALLOW" them to happen. We all have to go through our own individual life courses. If we don't experience pain, how can we appreciate happiness? If we don't experience loss, sorrow, how can we appreciate what we do have?
I don't know about you, but I have a lot of "dead" people that haunt me, I'm afraid I always will. THe fatal car accidents, the suicides, the cardiac arrests...they're still in my thoughts, their families are still in my thoughts, screaming in pain at the loss of their family member. Crazy. I feel automatically bonded to you, because of addiction and career. Pretty cool.
I'm sorry life isn't going well for you right now. Let a power greater than yourself help you and I promise, you're life will get better. I've been sober for 13 1/2 years now, I know Something is looking out after me. Something has always told me before every accident (and near accident) after my kids were born, that I was going to be in an accident and what the other car was going to do. I'm not psychic. Every damn time, that voice was right. That car did exactly what the voice said it was. Coincidence, I don't think so. Thankfully, I didn't question the voice, I observed, slowed down, looked for options, whatever, and no one's been hurt. This has happened at least 7 times I can think of. That's my Higher Power, looking out for my family and I.
I don't know why we relapse. Many say because we quit going to meetings. Many others say because we quit praying. More say because we quit working the steps. I relapsed for many reasons, because I wasn't convinced that alcohol was bigger than me. I wasn't convinced my life was unmanagable. I wasn't convinced that I was an alcoholic. I didn't want to get better. I wanted people to quit butting into my life, because all I wanted to do was drink the pain away and die. Sounds a bit alcoholic to me. Through work injuries, I have found that I am also an addict (imagine that). I was on valium for 3 weeks, then put on percocet for nearly 5 months. No doubt in my mind, I'm an addict as well. A drug is a drug. I've been going through my own crap getting off that, still having physical pain, with more emotional pain. Is there an end, yes. I've been praying, I've been going to a ton of meetings, I've been talking about it, I've been working the steps, and I've been reaching out. I do feel better now. That whole percocet thing is how I found this site, and I'm so grateful for that. I have found an enormous amount of support and love here. I also need the support and love from my groups too. They are the ones that can look at me and know how I feel.
It is nice to meet a fellow medic, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to PM me if ya like. I'd love to talk with ya.
Things will get better, in time, if you put the effort in. Congratulations on telling your counselor. You had to pay the consequences, but, that might have helped save your life. You're back here. Sounds like you want to "get it". You will.
Hugs and love,
Jen