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I'm Back from Jail Again

Old 12-13-2004, 06:43 PM
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livingego
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I'm Back from Jail Again

Well I just got through spending the weekend in jail. It gets easier everytime I go But still a dame place to be. Well like I was talking in my first post I'm a Crack addict and I got arrested a year ago for possesion and was sentance to a Court Appointed Drug Program. I have been doing that since last Febuary and in the beging I did not give a **** about if I made it through or not I had lost everything jop house kid you name it and escaping from my problems was the only thing I wanted to do. But after going to jail a couple of times my last time in June I got off my ass put the drugs down and accully made a affort in my recovery. I went back to work a real good job doing medical research for a DME company I was a Paramedic for 12 years. I was visiting my 7 year old son on weekends life is pretty good. And for some strange reason which I still Don't understand I used weekend before last. I told my counsler and was sentance to 2 weekends in jail. I feel bad about using. But I have not even thought about dope since july other than my weekly meeting at Drug Court. Did I get to cocky in my recovery? I don't know. I attented NA meeting but being here in the south the meeting are strongly relious based and I am a Atheist. And I'm having a Hard time finding a sponser. I know that staying away from drugs is just a small part of the whole recovery but what is the rest?
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Old 12-13-2004, 06:53 PM
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livingego,

NA meetings should not be religious. We all come to our own understanding of our Higher Power. Some people use the term; good orderly direction. Are there alot of different meetings in your area? Try going to different ones. I'm sure there is someone you can connect with. Just remember, don't use, no matter what.
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Old 12-14-2004, 04:38 AM
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Going to jail was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Not getting to see my kids due to my erratic behavior. I'm here because, I hit a bottom. That's what it had to take for me. I know, there are other bottoms out there for me. I was sick and tired of being sick in tired. Only you know how much pain you're willing to take. I see this all the time, someone can't take the pain any more and kills themselves. A good friend of mine did it this spring. 5 years in the program a relapse and boom.
Find you a meeting that you like and get a sponser start wotking these steps. Most importatnt find a God of your understatnding and ask to be releived of your suffering. I've had my best highs in life clean and sober

chris
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Old 12-14-2004, 05:07 AM
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Livingego,

There were a few things that popped out at me while I was reading. Number one: paramedic, I'm one too, well, I'm licensed, physically unable though. Number two: jail, liking it, I've never spent significant time there, thank God, only picking up inmates that got their faces bashed in. Number three: God / atheist. As a paramedic, are you telling me you didn't see miracles happen, you haven't experienced miracles happen, your child isn't a miracle. Doesn't have to be "God" just find a Higher Power. Not religious, spiritual. There is a HUGE difference. I'm not into religion, I'm definitely into spiritual. My Higher Power helps keep my arse out of trouble and helps protects my family and I. You know, bad things still happen in life, but MY Higher Power didn't "MAKE" them happen or "ALLOW" them to happen. We all have to go through our own individual life courses. If we don't experience pain, how can we appreciate happiness? If we don't experience loss, sorrow, how can we appreciate what we do have?

I don't know about you, but I have a lot of "dead" people that haunt me, I'm afraid I always will. THe fatal car accidents, the suicides, the cardiac arrests...they're still in my thoughts, their families are still in my thoughts, screaming in pain at the loss of their family member. Crazy. I feel automatically bonded to you, because of addiction and career. Pretty cool.

I'm sorry life isn't going well for you right now. Let a power greater than yourself help you and I promise, you're life will get better. I've been sober for 13 1/2 years now, I know Something is looking out after me. Something has always told me before every accident (and near accident) after my kids were born, that I was going to be in an accident and what the other car was going to do. I'm not psychic. Every damn time, that voice was right. That car did exactly what the voice said it was. Coincidence, I don't think so. Thankfully, I didn't question the voice, I observed, slowed down, looked for options, whatever, and no one's been hurt. This has happened at least 7 times I can think of. That's my Higher Power, looking out for my family and I.

I don't know why we relapse. Many say because we quit going to meetings. Many others say because we quit praying. More say because we quit working the steps. I relapsed for many reasons, because I wasn't convinced that alcohol was bigger than me. I wasn't convinced my life was unmanagable. I wasn't convinced that I was an alcoholic. I didn't want to get better. I wanted people to quit butting into my life, because all I wanted to do was drink the pain away and die. Sounds a bit alcoholic to me. Through work injuries, I have found that I am also an addict (imagine that). I was on valium for 3 weeks, then put on percocet for nearly 5 months. No doubt in my mind, I'm an addict as well. A drug is a drug. I've been going through my own crap getting off that, still having physical pain, with more emotional pain. Is there an end, yes. I've been praying, I've been going to a ton of meetings, I've been talking about it, I've been working the steps, and I've been reaching out. I do feel better now. That whole percocet thing is how I found this site, and I'm so grateful for that. I have found an enormous amount of support and love here. I also need the support and love from my groups too. They are the ones that can look at me and know how I feel.

It is nice to meet a fellow medic, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to PM me if ya like. I'd love to talk with ya.

Things will get better, in time, if you put the effort in. Congratulations on telling your counselor. You had to pay the consequences, but, that might have helped save your life. You're back here. Sounds like you want to "get it". You will.

Hugs and love,
Jen
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Old 12-14-2004, 05:09 AM
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Welcome back,Im Trish and i am an addict.I too was addicted to the drug you posted about,it was a long ride and alot of hell,jail happened to me also.My heart goes out to you,for your struggle.It was too much for me to handle alone,keep an open mind and do something for your recovery today.Thanks for posting.Prayers ^ Trish
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Old 12-14-2004, 05:39 AM
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Livingego,I was also addicted to crack.I know a few people in AA and NA who are athiests.Please dont let that stop you from going to meetings.jlo,I was reading your post and it brought back some bad memories of my girlfriend getting killed.I guess you have seen some horrible things.I had completly forgotten till now,my next door neighbor at the time worked for a paremedics company and remembered the call coming in when my girlfriend was killed.I remember her telling me about it.The next morning I was at the accident scene and looking at pieces of the car all scattered.I saw a pair of latex gloves on the ground and thought about the paramedics.That would be a tough job at times.But,I guess you also save a lot of lives too.
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Old 12-14-2004, 05:43 AM
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((( Time2Surrender ))) Prayers ^ Trish
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Old 12-14-2004, 05:50 AM
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Thanx Trish
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Old 12-14-2004, 05:50 AM
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Sorry Time2Surrender. Didn't mean to drudge up bad memories. Just crap I live with every day. Though I do love my job, because the pluses do outweigh the bad. I love being able to help people. I guess I'd probably qualify for the PTSD, huh?!?

Jen
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Old 12-14-2004, 06:11 AM
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Addict named Gooch here... jail was the wakeup for me to.

I had a few DWI's spread out over nearly a decade and a half. Never had an accident or even spent a night in jail previous to 1991'. The 2nd DWI was in 88' and I started to recognize that maybe I had a problem with alcohol, so I checked out treatment and councleing before I went to court to try and "beat the rap". I skated out of that 2nd DWI with a fine and temp surrender of my license.

Went to AA ( thought my problem was primarily alcohol) and then I met some NA members and went there for the next 2 and a half years, while I tried to sort things out. I stopped going to meetings primarily over the religious stuff and the (what I interpreted as ) holier than thou attitudes. I've always been along the borderline of agnostic/aetheist.

It wasn't 3 months before I got a predicate felony DWI and was looking at 15 months to 4 years state time. I wound up somehow getting a 6 months jail sentence and ent back to NA.

I went to my first NA meeting the day I got out of jail in the summer of 91' and have consisered myself an addict ever since. I went to many meetings, got involved with servive work and came to my own understanding of the Higher Power thing.

I'm not a slave to the substances any more and stay in the process of trying to learn what it takes to stay one step ahead of this crazy condition they call addiction.

If I can do this anyone who wants to can. The desire to stay clean is all we need.

Keep comng back. you'll find something that works for you.
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Old 12-14-2004, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by jlo34
Sorry Time2Surrender. Didn't mean to drudge up bad memories. Just crap I live with every day. Though I do love my job, because the pluses do outweigh the bad. I love being able to help people. I guess I'd probably qualify for the PTSD, huh?!?

Jen
No need to appologize.Its funny how you tend to forget little details then something refreshes your memory.As tramatic as the experience was,its been 4 yrs and I have accepted it.When she first died people would say its a part of life and I really hated hearing that.But fact is,its the truth.Death is a part of life.I think the worst part about your job would be seeing it happen to children.But,you love your job,and like you said the pluses out weigh the bad.Like Jerry Garcia said " Love your job and you will never work another day in your life".
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Old 12-14-2004, 06:32 AM
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You just reminded me of something that no-one knows....

I was brought on a wonderful holiday for my birthday last April to Italy. Crazy i know that I have so many friends that give me soooo much and that I abuse their frienship!!!! Any way in their company I was wonderful!!!!! But they went to bed at night and i Took out the Bottles you see. By 2am each night I wanted even more "Fun" as I cannot be satiated when I am boozing you see. So one particular night I was soooo bombed that the Italian police jailed me. I remember but yet dont!!!! I am admitting it though....

Much thinking to do Luvs Ama
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Old 12-14-2004, 09:25 AM
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OOOuchhh!!! VERY Scary!!!!! Italian police did not like me either, and I did'nt know if it was because I was tall and blonde OR American!! (I didn't get arrested, but, they wouldn't let me into the duomo in Milan!!) P.S. I wasn't drinking......lol
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Old 12-14-2004, 10:05 AM
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LivingEgo:
I eventually got used to going to jail on a regular basis while I was drinking and drugging. Found that I could get most anything I wanted while incarcerated as well. Got to the point where I really did not like fellowshipping behind glass, razor-wire or bars, and decided to read the Big Book Chapter "We Agnostics" with another AA member. He became my sponsor and led me into service work through a Home Group. That helped melt away many of my prejudices towards religion and also opened my own door to a wonderful spirituality I've grown to love in AA.

Today, I "visit" jails(to carry the AA message) instead of living in them. I hope and pray you find in NA an inkling of what was offered to me upon my journey into Alcoholics Anonymous and back into my Community & Society. Although I came to scoff, with a degree of ego-chinking, I've remained to pray.

3Legs
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