Going to jail was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Not getting to see my kids due to my erratic behavior. I'm here because, I hit a bottom. That's what it had to take for me. I know, there are other bottoms out there for me. I was sick and tired of being sick in tired. Only you know how much pain you're willing to take. I see this all the time, someone can't take the pain any more and kills themselves. A good friend of mine did it this spring. 5 years in the program a relapse and boom.
Find you a meeting that you like and get a sponser start wotking these steps. Most importatnt find a God of your understatnding and ask to be releived of your suffering. I've had my best highs in life clean and sober
chris