Trubbled

Hi All

I've been reading here for 5 days before posting and been inspired by many and am mentally rooting everyone on.

I'm on Day 5 right now, had been on Day 8 but did that old thing again and was off for four days. Before that I'd been doing anywhere from 2 months to 2 weeks without

drinking and then a week to a month of drinking......... for about the last 6 months this was my pattern. Before that it was pretty much 1 or 2 bottles of wine a

night for the last 15 years and basically heavy weekend drinking before that.

Whats changed in the last 1.5 years is that my husband died (he was 72 I am 57) before his death he was in the hospital for 6 months and I found myself semi-stranded.

I live in a semi-rural area and had to find ways to get to the hospital in the city (I don't drive, and there is not much in the way of public transport out here)

Well I'd make my way into the hospital and on the way home, (a 20 minute walk after 1.5 of hour bus ride thru whatever kind of weather) I had the thought of my evening

with wine to console me. He used to make wine at a winery and we had cases and cases stacked in the basement.........

At the time of his death 6 months after his hospitalization there were still cases and cases. He liked to stock up. I didn't have to buy toilet paper for over a year

either.

I did do some days of not drinking during that time, not knowing when the hospital would call in the night, or having legal things to deal with. After his death I had

little cycles, I'd see what I needed to do that involved real brain power or appointments and tailor my drinking around that, I'd still drink but I'd only have a few

glasses because I'd remind myself I needed to be on top of it the next day.

I'd been a bit (ok a lot) pampered and enabled. I have social anxiety and for years before this had only left my own property a couple of times a year until I got a

reef tank which required me to get out to the suppliers maybe once a month. Well it was a whole new thing now that I had to be going out so frequently. I would get

panic attacks sometimes just signing a cheque. opening the mail panic attack. I finally realized the panic attacks were a lot worse if I'd been drinking the night

before.

The cases of wine in the basement eventually ran out just before Christmas. But my kids came for the holidays and I do have neighbours that take me shopping so I had

bought bottles of hard liquor supposedly for all the people that would be coming over. Ha Ha who in hell do I ever invite over. Thats what started my months on weeks

off. It's about a 40 minute walk to the liquor store and a 30 minute walk to the wine or beer place. So I'd stop then when I was getting other supplies if I was near

the liquor/wine/beer (I'm not picky you see) then I'd pick some up and drink it till it was gone and be mentally prepared to do without again. Now I could take cabs

to get it and I do take a cab back if I walk down but of course the booze is nicely stuffed in a bag under the groceries. I would feel humiliated to actually have the

driver know or have him deliver (which could be done) but this is a relatively small town and there's only so many drivers it would become quite obvious.

Of course I had also been fooling myself with the ability to do this 2 months off a week on kind of thing. Then one day I was sitting here hungover looking out the

window at the beautiful day and knowing I should be out there raking the lawn or whatever, and watching others do their yardwork or just walking/jogging enjoying the

day and remember how many other countless days I'd had. One day of drinking would leave me incapacitated for anything more than the basics for 2-3 days. And of

course the drinking to just get over the last nights drinking. Being alone I had no one to worry if they saw me and with hard liquor then I might start at 10 in the

morning. It had to stop. But I'd do it again and again. Thank god for the difficulty of getting it.

So last week after the 8 days off I found myself with a box of wine. On Saturday I was quite sick but I had enough wine left to drink that night and said that would

be it. The thing that really kicked me when I woke up the next morning was.............. Well you'd think I can't do much to my embarrass myself semi-stranded out

here. I'm not in a bar looking ridiculous at my age, I'm not staggering down the street (actually when I drink its not visibly noticable usually) well guess what the

internet gives even stranded people equal opportunity to do stupid things.

I tracked down the man I lived with when I was 16 (he was 34 at the time) I found his facebook and it was set to friends only so I sent him a message. OMG what kind

of fool am I. So I spent the next day terrified to check my email and then when I did and found he had replied I was too scared to read the email. When I did he

wants to get in touch with me. Oh sh_t. I'm dealing with it now. I really don't want to see him. As I got older I realized why my parents had so many problems with

my relationship with him - seriously a 16 year old girl living with a 34 year old man who's married(seperated) with 4 kids. I lived with im for 4 years and realize

that probably I just got too old for him. So yeah I really don't want to see him. Thankfully my facebook name is not my married name so he can't really track me

down.

I went through 2 days of the usual hell but by day 3 was working outside (picking up the winter dog poop out back seemed a rather fitting chore) I really want this time to last forever.

I spent a lot of time reading here and then yesterday after raking the front lawn I immersed myself in googling and reading stories of people who were either dying or had died from alcohol related illness. I mean immeresed I read from 2pm until just around midnight. Often I have felt like dying but I don't want to die like THAT.