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Here Comes Trubble

Old 04-25-2013, 07:46 AM
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Here Comes Trubble

Hi All

I've been reading here for 5 days before posting and been inspired by many and am mentally rooting everyone on.

I'm on Day 5 right now, had been on Day 8 but did that old thing again and was off for four days. Before that I'd been doing anywhere from 2 months to 2 weeks without

drinking and then a week to a month of drinking......... for about the last 6 months this was my pattern. Before that it was pretty much 1 or 2 bottles of wine a

night for the last 15 years and basically heavy weekend drinking before that.

Whats changed in the last 1.5 years is that my husband died (he was 72 I am 57) before his death he was in the hospital for 6 months and I found myself semi-stranded.

I live in a semi-rural area and had to find ways to get to the hospital in the city (I don't drive, and there is not much in the way of public transport out here)

Well I'd make my way into the hospital and on the way home, (a 20 minute walk after 1.5 of hour bus ride thru whatever kind of weather) I had the thought of my evening

with wine to console me. He used to make wine at a winery and we had cases and cases stacked in the basement.........

At the time of his death 6 months after his hospitalization there were still cases and cases. He liked to stock up. I didn't have to buy toilet paper for over a year

either.

I did do some days of not drinking during that time, not knowing when the hospital would call in the night, or having legal things to deal with. After his death I had

little cycles, I'd see what I needed to do that involved real brain power or appointments and tailor my drinking around that, I'd still drink but I'd only have a few

glasses because I'd remind myself I needed to be on top of it the next day.

I'd been a bit (ok a lot) pampered and enabled. I have social anxiety and for years before this had only left my own property a couple of times a year until I got a

reef tank which required me to get out to the suppliers maybe once a month. Well it was a whole new thing now that I had to be going out so frequently. I would get

panic attacks sometimes just signing a cheque. opening the mail panic attack. I finally realized the panic attacks were a lot worse if I'd been drinking the night

before.

The cases of wine in the basement eventually ran out just before Christmas. But my kids came for the holidays and I do have neighbours that take me shopping so I had

bought bottles of hard liquor supposedly for all the people that would be coming over. Ha Ha who in hell do I ever invite over. Thats what started my months on weeks

off. It's about a 40 minute walk to the liquor store and a 30 minute walk to the wine or beer place. So I'd stop then when I was getting other supplies if I was near

the liquor/wine/beer (I'm not picky you see) then I'd pick some up and drink it till it was gone and be mentally prepared to do without again. Now I could take cabs

to get it and I do take a cab back if I walk down but of course the booze is nicely stuffed in a bag under the groceries. I would feel humiliated to actually have the

driver know or have him deliver (which could be done) but this is a relatively small town and there's only so many drivers it would become quite obvious.

Of course I had also been fooling myself with the ability to do this 2 months off a week on kind of thing. Then one day I was sitting here hungover looking out the

window at the beautiful day and knowing I should be out there raking the lawn or whatever, and watching others do their yardwork or just walking/jogging enjoying the

day and remember how many other countless days I'd had. One day of drinking would leave me incapacitated for anything more than the basics for 2-3 days. And of

course the drinking to just get over the last nights drinking. Being alone I had no one to worry if they saw me and with hard liquor then I might start at 10 in the

morning. It had to stop. But I'd do it again and again. Thank god for the difficulty of getting it.

So last week after the 8 days off I found myself with a box of wine. On Saturday I was quite sick but I had enough wine left to drink that night and said that would

be it. The thing that really kicked me when I woke up the next morning was.............. Well you'd think I can't do much to my embarrass myself semi-stranded out

here. I'm not in a bar looking ridiculous at my age, I'm not staggering down the street (actually when I drink its not visibly noticable usually) well guess what the

internet gives even stranded people equal opportunity to do stupid things.

I tracked down the man I lived with when I was 16 (he was 34 at the time) I found his facebook and it was set to friends only so I sent him a message. OMG what kind

of fool am I. So I spent the next day terrified to check my email and then when I did and found he had replied I was too scared to read the email. When I did he

wants to get in touch with me. Oh sh_t. I'm dealing with it now. I really don't want to see him. As I got older I realized why my parents had so many problems with

my relationship with him - seriously a 16 year old girl living with a 34 year old man who's married(seperated) with 4 kids. I lived with im for 4 years and realize

that probably I just got too old for him. So yeah I really don't want to see him. Thankfully my facebook name is not my married name so he can't really track me

down.

I went through 2 days of the usual hell but by day 3 was working outside (picking up the winter dog poop out back seemed a rather fitting chore) I really want this time to last forever.

I spent a lot of time reading here and then yesterday after raking the front lawn I immersed myself in googling and reading stories of people who were either dying or had died from alcohol related illness. I mean immeresed I read from 2pm until just around midnight. Often I have felt like dying but I don't want to die like THAT.
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Old 04-25-2013, 01:53 PM
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So glad you found us. Sorry about your husband. I'm new here too, just since december.. And congrats on day 5. I'm still struggling to stay sober. I've had many slips, so many times. But I really want a different way of life now. I can relate to the loss of good off days........usually it took me a few to get over my last binge, and I've lost so much time that way. Sad.
Reading and posting here are a great start. Since you live in a rural area, and don't drive, I guess meetings would be difficult? There are online ones, and other support methods as well.
Why don't you join the class of April? There you can introduce yourself, and make some friends to share this journey with? Just a suggestion. Hope you hang around here. I've found it to be very helpful to me so far. Take care and happy sober Thursday 2 u!
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Old 04-25-2013, 02:04 PM
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I'm glad you found us and joined the family but am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. If you're determined to quit drinking you'll find lots of support here.
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Old 04-25-2013, 02:15 PM
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Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us, too. You will find so much support and wisdom and strength here and being rural it is a real lifesaver to be able to come here any time of day or night and always find someone to "talk" to.
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Old 04-25-2013, 02:30 PM
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Welcome!

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband.

I think alcoholism has a way of sneaking up on us. And, it's a progressive disease and always gets worse unless we stop. I had anxiety issues before I began drinking, but drinking really made my anxiety go through the roof. And, like you, I did things that I regretted doing.

You have taken the first step by coming here and posting.
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Old 04-25-2013, 02:34 PM
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Oh gee I didn't notice I had any resonses = thank you.

Since you live in a rural area, and don't drive, I guess meetings would be difficult? There are online ones, and other support methods as well.
Well I did notice in the little community activity/phone book that there is an AA number but I am betting its French. Its supposed to be bilingual where I live but a lot of things are still French only. Anyway yes it still would be difficult but I am finding that online support is very good.

Why don't you join the class of April?
Thank you, I did.

Well I passed a few hours, cleaned a bit, made a pot of soup and made about 2 weeks worth of cat food. I feed my cats raw and it takes about 2 hours to chop up all the meats add the supplements and portion it out then freeze it. Those cats eat a lot better than I do.

Checked the email and yeah now the truth of what I did is really hitting. Of course he wants to see me, he is an 8 hour drive away right now )he's only in this country for 6 months of the year) so he says in about 2 weeks he'll be driving to a point thats 5 hours from here and if I give him my address he'll do his business then drive the other 5 to see me.

I don't know what to do really. I think I know in the end I will see him but I am trying to figure a way to do it safely after all I haven't seen him for about 35 years. I don't see how I can not see him. It took me about 20 years to get over him and at the beginning I started doing dexedrine which turned into a whole nother problem. I am going between thinking evil things about him to thinking it was all my fault when we broke up.

I was not an angel in those days I did a lot of things that were stupid and he put up with me. Then again he was insanely jealous and possesive, he used to drive me to work and then come and pick me up when I was finished and while he was waiting for me if he saw anyone looking at me or someone would say hi (I worked in a restuarant then) he would accuse me of messing around with them. In the end I used to think that he was messing around because he thought I was messing around.

Just thinking that I am going to see him though is re-enforcing my vow not to drink, he has no tolerance for women drinking. I didn't really drink when I first knew him but when I was upset I learned that a drink would make me sleep and put me out of my misery for a while, at that time just one drink would make me tired. Of course that didn't last long and it took more drinks to make me sleep.

Anyway this is a bit of insanity sitting here now pondering whether to see him and how to go about it if I do. I mean it would seem weird to tell someone you lived with for years that you don't want them to know where you live. IF he did come then what would happen, it wouldn't seem right to make him go to a hotel......

I just don't know. He says he is still looking for happiness. Maybe I was wrong in thinking that his initial attraction to me was all about my being so young. He never mistreated me, always took good care of me. Was a bit old fashioned in his view of women but a lot of that was cultural, he comes from another country.

Whatever..........its occupying my mind for the moment which is a good thing.

I have a friend accross the street, I should talk to her about her. She knows I had already looked him up on facebook because I had done that long before I messaged him. Her eyes were like saucers full of disapproval! I'm just afraid she'll want a drink she doesn't drink everyday but when she wants to drink she usually calls me over. I can say no, have done so before. But its risky.

I'm having tea right now and took a multi and a B complex, when I had all the supplements out for the cat food figured it wouldn't hurt to pop a few myself. I didn't used to drink tea even though the rest of my family are tea jennies, but the first time I quit drinking I had read that you need to substitute something and since usually I would have wine when my soap opera came on at 4:30 I started making a pot of tea. Now as long as I have had something to eat I can drink a lot of tea.

Funny how I could drink alcohol on an empty stomach but not tea. My natural habit is to not eat until late afternoon but if I don't drink I do find that I get hungrier earlier in the day. It makes me think about my nutritional pie chart but I'll need something to blather about tomorrow.
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Old 04-25-2013, 02:36 PM
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Welcome to the forums,

It sounds like you have had a very tough ride recently. I went through a cycle of quitting and starting and quitting and starting and you really feel like you are going nowhere. Are you doing anything to support your recovery? There's lots of things people do. Some people post on here, some are in 12 step groups, or other alternatives like SMART recovery (information easily available on google or I'm sure another member will pop in soon who uses SMART). It doesn't really matter what you use to help you but it is generally believed that any type of support helps greatly in your recovery. It's a day at a time journey. If you can't last half a day sober, you do half a day and then build it up until eventually the days start flying by. I wish you the best of luck.

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Old 04-25-2013, 03:00 PM
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I just read your second post and I really encourage you to think long and hard about seeing this person, especially now when you are just beginning recovery. It's totally up to you what you decide but just know that early recovery can be a very vulnerable time and is not always the best time to try to deal with challenging situations. It sounds as though you have a lot of mixed feelings about it. If you decide to wait perhaps you could be called out of town at the last minute when he is nearby? Anyway, just some thoughts. Take care.
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Old 04-25-2013, 03:14 PM
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If you decide to wait perhaps you could be called out of town at the last minute when he is nearby?
Thank you Thankyou Thankyou!!!! That's exactly the kind of thing I need. Some sort of excuse out of this that is perfectly believable. I can get the date and then say ohhhhhh so sorry but I have to (whatever) and he only has my email as I haven't parted with my phone number. Thanks again now I have something to work with.
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Old 04-25-2013, 03:23 PM
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Hi Trubbled

welcome to SR - I know you'll find a lot of support here - I'm glad you've joined the Class of April

as for the old flame....I think it's best to let sleeping dogs lie too - early recovery is rough enough without adding to it

D
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Old 04-25-2013, 03:24 PM
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Welcome Trubbled! It's great to have you here with us. SR helped me stop a 30 year drinking habit, so I'm sure you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.

Congratulations on your 5 days sober. You sound determined to get your life back in order - we're here to help.
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
as for the old flame....I think it's best to let sleeping dogs lie too - early recovery is rough enough without adding to it D
Hi Trubbled, saw your post earlier and wanted to respond but internet was not all it could be at the time. Glad I waited and saw your second post, however. Agree with Dee 100% on this. I think it's completely natural to want to get back in touch or to crave some companionship but if you want to get yourself straightened out with the drinking, it might be best to just focus on you right now. There is plenty of support and friendship here and, although we are not necessarily in physical proximity to you, SR is always here. Anyway, welcome and look forward to reading more of your posts!
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Old 04-25-2013, 05:29 PM
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but if you want to get yourself straightened out with the drinking, it might be best to just focus on you right now.
You're quite right and thank you. In fact I've even been contemplating just being completely honest with him and not coming up with some lie as to why I can't see him. Lying only seems to lead to more problems. I don't really see that meeting him would do me any good. When I get over the OMG I could SEE him factor I can then think - and yeah, what good would that do you? I doubt that the spark would still be there for either of us but he IS still a man and if he's the same man he was then he's going to want more than to meet for dinner.

Also deep down I know he was in the wrong when we met. Now being an adult I can see this and I would have absolutely no respect for a man that age starting a relationship with a 16 year old. I mean I was basically a child no matter what I thought. I was abused by an uncle at a young age and didn't tell my family for many years. When it all came out (and then more victims spoke up) my Aunt said she would leave him as soon as her boys were older. She never did and I lost respect for her. I should look on this the same way.

I will be honest with him and he can stay in touch by email if he wants and IF at this time next year when hes in Canada again then perhaps we will meet.

I must have been desperately reaching for something. I sent the message when I was on the last glass of wine and knew I would not be drinking after that, thankfully it was a short concise message and not a long emotional rambling but still the damage was done.

The support here is great and I spend hours a day here just reading although I am getting brave enough to reply to others now and then.
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Old 04-25-2013, 06:04 PM
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I totally get where you're coming from, Trubble. I did not have your past with the age difference or the sexual abuse but I did have some seriously troubled relationships in my past that I often went digging into after a few glasses (bottles) of wine. I also did it newly sober thinking, "Hey! Look at me all sober and able to resolve all my past relationship mistakes now." Most of the latter was simply a sense of loneliness, a desire for attention, and wanting to prove that I was better and could fix the past. Guess what? They were still jerks and now I was sober enough to see it even more clearly. So now I had the problem of getting rid of them again. Wished I had never contacted them in the first place as it added a hugely unnecessary and unneeded complication to my life at a time where I was very, very fragile. Plus some things just don't warrant the energy or effort of "fixing." Learn and let go, as they say.

Are you getting any other support besides SR? Have you tried AA or AVRT or some of the other recovery programs? I know that you are in the wilderness, so to speak (of course Americans think ALL of Canada is the wilderness ) but there are some great online meetings and groups. Just something to think about.

My sponsor said to me in the beginning that recovery was not only recovering from addiction but also a chance to peel back the many layers that drinking and lying had added. Scary stuff but also a unique opportunity to start over and get to know yourself again. Sounded awful at first but I am so glad I took her advice.

Anyway! Long winded reply but just try not to add layers right now---and this ex sounds like one big fat layer to me. Focus on you. It may seem selfish and scary right now but it will likely end up being the very best gift you ever gave yourself (and someone else when the 'right' person comes along when you're ready).

((Big Hugs))
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Old 04-25-2013, 06:30 PM
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I know that you are in the wilderness, so to speak (of course Americans think ALL of Canada is the wilderness
Ah well yes it might qualify as wilderness lol. Last spring a moose ran thru my neighbours yard and crashed into my fence breaking a whole section. It's a good thing my igloo had melted the week before.


As far as other help, I have a hypno tape for stopping drinking that I got years ago and it talks about the addictive voice and our liver etc. I used to listen to it every night even had it play on a loop while I slept. It seemed to help as I ws able to do a few months but at that time I had no real intrest in stopping permanently but was doing it for a diet I was on to lose weight gained from quiting smoking which I've since restarted Looks like I've got myself on a loop.

I will look into some other things though, but that tape does stick with me, when I lie down at night after a day of not drinking I like to imagine my liver and have a mental image of it looking a little better every day. I also learned from the tape that when the thoughts cross my mind it IS the voice playing with me and that I have to be stronger than it.
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Old 04-26-2013, 10:32 AM
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Day 6

Slept until 9am which is awesome, I am such a bad sleeper or have been anyway but have noticed now that when not drinking after a week or so I sleep well. I do still wake up at least once for a pee and now the birds outside wake me at 4 but I am able to go right back to sleep. I would have thought the animals would wake me but no they were sleepy too they do seem to follow my schedule with me.

Wrote that email to the ex hope that he accepts that I hate hurting anyones feelings.

Just saw the mailman finish up at the mailboxes. I am waiting for news from the income tax, that was actually how my AV got me to buy the last box of wine. The taxes were quite complicated this year due to filing for deceased person and a tax credit that we are entitled to but could be subject to some mathy type figurations. Meaning I might have to pay more instead of his refund being more than what I ended up paying. Well that voice told me to go some wine just in case the letter was in the mail. Like that would HELP how??? I just accept it now, it is what it is and if I have to pay more then so be it and if I get the refund great. I can't change what the taxman says.

I'm trying to think of something to eat. Its afternoon now and I could eat but can't think of anything I want to eat.......... I'm feeling good but just notlike doing much, sort of lazy. Like too lazy to eat.
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