Making sense of where to go from here
Hi everyone,
I often come here for help. Thanks to those who shine some light on my situation!
I can't stop using/drinking, and so I understand my powerlessness in this regard. But when I say that to myself - and to whomever else might be listening - and start trying an AA approach to addiction recovery, I also become hopeless. When I'm angry or selfish or sad or whatever, I tell myself that I should be turning to God, having a spiritual awakening, etc. etc. in my head. And to be honest that hopelessness follows me around, and it drives me mad! It makes me want to drink/use within a day, and I feel depressed a lot. Yet, I'm somehow convinced that this way I'll be free one day because one day God is going to make this better, only it never comes. And I've had my moments of what felt like total surrender but then it all comes crashing down again at some later point. And frankly, it seems endless.
But when I adopt a more 'I can do this' approach (I.e. AVRT) ... I feel a lot better on a daily basis. And I go for up to a month with no addictive behaviour of any kind. But it always comes back. So, no, I can't stop. So I can't say that AVRT has 'worked' for me, because I do crawl back eventually. However it does make me a lot more sober as a percentage of days in a month, but surely I should be seeking total sobriety?
I know I should learn to think for myself, but thinking seems to be part of my problem!