Oh, desp1, I wish I could be there to comfort you--or even cry with you. Your words must resound with so many of us on this forum who feel the same way about this savage disease!!
You have suffered so much loss. Sometimes, it just feels like too much to bear. For a long time, it seems, you have been giving out so much nurturing and receiving back so little. I wonder if you aren't drained almost completely dry.
I feel like I can understand more of where you are coming from now--than just a few h ours ago!! I appreciate your sharing with us.
You must care for yourself, also--or you will be able to help no one.
You are among friends. We have your back.
very sincerely, dandylion.