Originally Posted by
CeciliaV 
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum in my relationship. I've had no drive for a long time. My low self-esteem, my lack of passion for life in general, me always feeling like the parent/adult in the less-than-equitable relationship all played into it...and then when the drinking got bad, I was just done - I was having a hard enough time allowing myself to be vulnerable and intimate to begin with, and I certainly didn't have any drive to sleep with the thing that my husband became when alcoholism reared its ugly head. He would focus on the lack of a physical relationship, and I would focus on the lack of an emotional relationship. For me, it comes down to having that emotional intimacy. I can't do the physical part if I don't feel the emotional connection and if I don't feel good in my own skin.
Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as Cecilia. I have no drive, no attraction to my AH after all the emotional abuse, binge drinking episodes, blaming, excuses, and lies. He makes a HUGE deal about it and I feel badly and have my own guilt wrapped into the mess, but I truly wouldn't be true to myself if I had sex with him.
Just yesterday I thought we were having a good family day. Running errands, planning for projects around the house, and going out to lunch. On the way home he started making snarky comments about all the other drivers on the road and I decided to change the subject and mentioned that I needed a pedicure soon.
I said," you know, I've noticed a lot more men getting pedicures these days."
He replies, "HA! Welcome to the vaginization of America!"
Umm, how is that supposed to make me want to sleep with my husband? He has a lot of viewpoints that are very mysoginist and I struggle with that because I feel he undercuts my 'female' side. He has often made comments to me that I used to be like one of the guys because I wasn't an overly emotional woman. The funny thing was, I took that as a compliment.
Sex drive for anyone is a personal thing and it can vary and wax and wane over the years. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this issue but I'm sure it's not you specifically. I've heard this story often about men losing their drive once they quit drinking or change their ways, it takes a lot of mental energy to 'white knuckle sober'. My AH is doing that now, no program. He just quit drinking after another scary binge. I keep praying it was his last.