New here.. and now no libido either?

Old 04-12-2013, 04:07 PM
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New here.. and now no libido either?

Hi there~ I'm fairly new to alanon, but not new to the steps. I've been riding this merry go round for over 10 years. Hubbie is a dangerous binge drinker... He's dry at the moment after a fearful bout in the car affecting our children, but it's just the most recent one of multiple "I'm never drinking again" promises. I keep hope that this one will be the last. I'm finally ready to accept the 12 steps of recovery for myself and my children, to let to and let god, and to stop being enabling and co-dependent. The strange part of the disease is that it almost becomes more difficult during the times when he is sober, because while he's actively drinking it is all adrenaline and emergencies for months but when the ride stops I have to deal with the ramifications, the worry and anxiety and anger... These are all things I'm a dealing with in alanon. My question today is regarding ... Well... Not an easy subject... Libido in a recovering alcoholic. We are in our mid-30's and are both active and healthy. But he has zero sex drive whatsoever. He gets mad at me for bringing it up. I'm in a quasi- sexless marriage and it is very difficult. I am wondering how common this is and if it ever goes away. It's not just sex, it's also lack of affection and he's constantly irritable and distant, literally pushing me away to the other side of the bed. I've spent the last ten years being faithful and attempting to be supportive to this man that I love but I feel the disease has absorbed my identity and I'm trying to find it again by using the steps. I am not getting any younger and I just don't know how much more I can give up. Has anyone dealt with a similar problem, and if so what was the result? Please share.... Thanks
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:21 PM
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have you tried marriage counseling?
hoe long has he been sober?
sometimes it takes awhile to get back to normal
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:23 PM
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welcome to sr

have you tried marriage counseling?
hoe long has he been sober?
sometimes it takes awhile to get back to normal
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:29 PM
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possibly like a dead car battery

he may have to ask his doctor
for the little blue pills
so as to get him jump started

possibly like a dead car battery
a little juice needed so as to get things running again


onehigherpower
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:38 PM
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Dear A127, I once held a position of medically attending to alcoholics while they were sick and then, getting them on the road to their recovery program. When I talked to couples together--the guy would almost always assure that "things were o.k." When I talked to the spouse, alone--they would invariably tell me that they hadn't been able to "perform" for eons.

Occassionally, I would have a guy come to me specifically to ask about their performance problems--men seem to have a lot of anxiety about this subject---and I would have them worked up by a urologist--after 3 months of straight sobriety.

For those who remained sober for 3 or more months--and had a fairly happy marriage--sexual impotency tended to remove. Younger men had less problems after sobriety--but, younger men (say mid-late 30's) had a LOT of problems while drinking.

Honestly, in my experience, men seem to have almost as much denial surrounding impotence as denial in alcoholism. I think that often, the apparent lack of libido is actually fear of poor performance.

I hope this helps some.

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Old 04-12-2013, 04:40 PM
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No counseling, AA or anything remotely resembling professional help. He's a stubborn "do it myself" type A personality. I know he can muscle through ~ he's gone almost a year at one point... And we all know you can't force someone into recovery... So I'm just taking it one day at a time. I do seem to remember that during that year of sobriety he wanted sex so rarely that it was crushing. I could prance around in the sexiest lingerie and not a nod from him, in fact it annoys him. So I just quietly sequester myself to the edge of the bed, thankful that he's sober, and try not to be annoying. Believe me I have tried ALL of the tricks in the book, it's like trying to get a brick wall horny lol. Obviously this isn't the biggest of issues in the grand scheme of recovery, but it does seem to be the only one I cannot help myself with (other than the obvious lol) When we get married we vow to love and be faithful, though good and bad... But chronic celibacy????? Ps: I've mentioned little blue pills... Denied immediately. He just says it will come back eventually (yah when?) sorry I hope I don't sound selfish... I've poured my life into this marriage for 1/3 of my life and I'm just beginning to wonder how much blood I have left to drain, this disease is like a vampire whether actively drinking or not...
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:41 PM
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Oops~ I forgot~ he's only been sober a few months. But generally when he is sober it is the same libido situation no matter how long.
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:46 PM
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Dear A127--one more thing to add to my above post---the patients that I am speaking of were IN TREATMENT--and the family was also involved in the program.

That is VERY MUCH different than someone who is "white knuckling" it in early sobriety--"dry drunk".

Sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:48 PM
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you together need to work on a remedy

Originally Posted by Al27 View Post
Ps: I've mentioned little blue pills... Denied immediately. He just days it will come back eventually (yah when?)
the reason that I mentioned those is
an old saying comes to mind

if we don't use it
we will lose it

it is like a muscle in any other part of the body
it needs to be worked so as to stay fit

either with or without
it appears not to matter to him
but
we as men should not short change our wives regarding their needs
just as our wives should not short change us

since you are not ok regarding this issue
seems you need to share with him
that the two of you together need to work on a remedy
so as to (((both))) be happy

onehigherpower
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:51 PM
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It is exhausting. I am hoping that it will improve with time... Hoping to hear that it will lol
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Old 04-12-2013, 05:23 PM
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I know it certainly CAN improve--the mechanics of it should improve within a few months. But the most important sex organ is the mind, and if he is white-knuckling it then that is likely to be a significant contributor to the problem.

I dunno--life with a miserable "dry" drunk can be almost as bad as living with drinking. Obviously he isn't likely to risk anyone's life behind the wheel (unless he is prone to road-rage, which wouldn't surprise me), but who wants to live with someone who is miserable all the time?
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Old 04-12-2013, 05:57 PM
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There are a lot of threads about this topic.

My RAH has a very low sex drive. He said it never came back once he got sober.

He has no problems functioning at all - just no drive. There are no pills for drive, Viagra doesn't do anything for drive. It can be very frustrating for sure. WE have tried everything its not that he didn't try. I guess its better than someone having a drive and no function. When we do its great its just not as often as I would like.

How was your sex life when he was drinking?
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Old 04-12-2013, 06:19 PM
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It was ok, but hasn't been great in years. I just feel lonely... It's hard not to feel unattractive and self-deprecating, like I must be a troll or something. I know now he's going through so much just trying to stay sober.. That's why I'm trying to heal myself, I can't expect anything from him because he needs every ounce of energy to be healthy for himself.. But it does feel like we are getting more and more distant every day, like friends or roommates. He teased me the other day about something silly, just as a joke (I did some nonsense that reminded him of an old roomie) and he called me "bro" just trying to be funny and I broke down and cried for hours.. If things were functional I probably would have laughed too. When I said there's no professional help that wasn't entirely accurate. He's under Dr supervision and on medications (including antabuse) just no therapy or counseling.
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Old 04-12-2013, 09:59 PM
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I agree with Lexie. The mind is just as important in sex as the penis. If he's white knuckling it to stay sober, and not in an actual recovery program, he is probably battling demons.

That doesn't mean you have to accept this as your way of life. You're young, and deserve a healthy sex life. You deserve a partner who seeks true recovery. I'm glad you've started with AlAnon. You will find more answers as you attend meetings.
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Old 04-13-2013, 07:40 AM
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A127---I agree with recovery2---I also think that it is important to remember that sexuality is a very complex subject--there are (can be) many, many factors involved. The factors are also very inter-related to each other. Sometimes, it takes professionals to do detective work to figure it out!!

But, it is always disturbing to the individuals affected. (men often deny and blame it on anything they can). I can hear how deeply this is affecting you--you are even "blaming" yourself. It is important that you are addressing this--as the internal misery you are feeling is not likely to "go away" o n it's own. Personally, I think it is a bit much to expect a satisfying sex life in a relationship in such turmoil. I honestly, don't know what your answers are--but, the important fact, I think, is that you are in an unhappy marriage (at least, at this point).

This is not because you are an unattractive person. Don't internalize the blame I say: Search for the root cause/or causes for your unhappiness.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:02 AM
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I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum in my relationship. I've had no drive for a long time. My low self-esteem, my lack of passion for life in general, me always feeling like the parent/adult in the less-than-equitable relationship all played into it...and then when the drinking got bad, I was just done - I was having a hard enough time allowing myself to be vulnerable and intimate to begin with, and I certainly didn't have any drive to sleep with the thing that my husband became when alcoholism reared its ugly head. He would focus on the lack of a physical relationship, and I would focus on the lack of an emotional relationship. For me, it comes down to having that emotional intimacy. I can't do the physical part if I don't feel the emotional connection and if I don't feel good in my own skin.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by CeciliaV View Post
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum in my relationship. I've had no drive for a long time. My low self-esteem, my lack of passion for life in general, me always feeling like the parent/adult in the less-than-equitable relationship all played into it...and then when the drinking got bad, I was just done - I was having a hard enough time allowing myself to be vulnerable and intimate to begin with, and I certainly didn't have any drive to sleep with the thing that my husband became when alcoholism reared its ugly head. He would focus on the lack of a physical relationship, and I would focus on the lack of an emotional relationship. For me, it comes down to having that emotional intimacy. I can't do the physical part if I don't feel the emotional connection and if I don't feel good in my own skin.
Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as Cecilia. I have no drive, no attraction to my AH after all the emotional abuse, binge drinking episodes, blaming, excuses, and lies. He makes a HUGE deal about it and I feel badly and have my own guilt wrapped into the mess, but I truly wouldn't be true to myself if I had sex with him.

Just yesterday I thought we were having a good family day. Running errands, planning for projects around the house, and going out to lunch. On the way home he started making snarky comments about all the other drivers on the road and I decided to change the subject and mentioned that I needed a pedicure soon.
I said," you know, I've noticed a lot more men getting pedicures these days."
He replies, "HA! Welcome to the vaginization of America!"

Umm, how is that supposed to make me want to sleep with my husband? He has a lot of viewpoints that are very mysoginist and I struggle with that because I feel he undercuts my 'female' side. He has often made comments to me that I used to be like one of the guys because I wasn't an overly emotional woman. The funny thing was, I took that as a compliment.

Sex drive for anyone is a personal thing and it can vary and wax and wane over the years. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this issue but I'm sure it's not you specifically. I've heard this story often about men losing their drive once they quit drinking or change their ways, it takes a lot of mental energy to 'white knuckle sober'. My AH is doing that now, no program. He just quit drinking after another scary binge. I keep praying it was his last.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:31 AM
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It took me over 6 months into recovery before I even had 'fleeting thoughts' about possibly having 'sex' again. And then it was "OMG how can I do that sober, I don't remember how, I have always been drunk."

BTW I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday when I found recovery. And there were folks there younger than me and older than me that had also had the 'sex issues' in early recovery.

By about a year, close to it, I finally took the plunge. But I have to tell you that talking to others in recovery, both males and females, and my sponsor and her hubby who was also sober in AA, they all reassured me that my 'sex drive' would return, to give it some time and continue to work on ALL the other aspects of me. They were all correct.

As you are learning and seeing 'sobriety' is a lot more than 'just stopping drinking.'

Have you tried any Alanon and/or some one on one counseling for you with a therapist who specializes in addiction? It would be tremendously helpful for you!

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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