Justshy

SR keeps bugging me saying I haven't posted in awhile so here goes. Actually, I have started to write an update several times in the last few weeks but ended up deleting because it sounded too whiny or I could already "hear" the answers you guys would give me!
After my last post, many of you said very nice things, telling me I was doing a good job, etc. To be honest, I didn't understand. I read back through my post and was like "hmmm, where are they seeing progress? Why are they proud of me?" I still don't quite understand, I guess maybe it's just that I'm not as whiny and I have detached a little?
Anyhow, RAH is still living in his apartment, still not really talking to me. He took the kids for part of spring break because his sister and niece came to visit. It was nice to have a few days alone, but I was surprised at how much I missed the kids. Before (as in, before my husband moved out, back when he was still a very active A), I would welcome any alone time, even just the grocery store. I don't think I "appreciated" my kids back then. Things were always so hectic and frantic. When he was home, life was full of yelling, arguments, etc. When he wasn't home, life was full of worry, stress, etc. I didn't really have time to be a "good" mom, I was too focused on chasing my A or trying to "fix" him. Anyhow, in just 3 short months, I think I have become 10 times better as a mom and I miss them so much when they are gone. They aren't really gone often. He goes to an AA meeting almost everyday, works a full time job and goes out of town often for his job.
Anyhow, here is a little story that I shared at alanon last week. My son had a baseball game that would not be over before my (once a week) alanon meeting started. My husband said he would meet us at the game. I asked if he could stay until the end and bring our son home so I could go to alanon/alateen with my daughter. His response was "well....my "home" meeting is that night too, but yeah, whatever." So...the "old" me would have said, oh never mind, you can go to your meeting....but the "new" me thought to myself, there are literally 10 or more AA meetings in our area every single day from 7am-9pm and many times in between. If he really needs to go to a meeting on that day, he can go to a different one. Alanon on the other hand only has one or two meetings each day and this is the only one with alateen that is convenient. So....we are at the game and I say I'm going to leave in about 15 minutes....and he says..."I don't think it is fair that you go to your meeting since I can't go to mine"! WHAT???? I'm proud to say that I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and left and went to my meeting.
This may not seem like a big deal, but it was very unlike me. I normally would have backed down and told him to go. Throughout this whole separation I have been extremely accomadating and also making things as "easy" as possible for him. As I shared at alanon, I also inform him of everything we are doing, where we are going, etc. They suggested that I "back off" (I also told them that he complains about my texts, emails, calls, etc and says I "annoy" him). Anyhow....this week I have concentrated on just living my own life and tried not to contact him too much. Part of me is thinking....is he going to think I don't care? However, the peacefulness is wonderful. If I'm not talking to him, he isn't being rude, mean or hateful. Yes, there is still the part of me that wants to ask him a million questions like are you ever coming home? Will we ever go to therapy? Is there any chance of us staying together? Etc, etc, etc.
It's very hard to just wait. I do not have a lot of patience. I tend to catastrophize things in my head.
Well, much like my texts/emails/phone calls to him, this post is all over the place and way too long. However....I always get great responses and advice on here, so maybe you guys can muddle through and figure out what I'm even trying to say or ask?!