Just an update

Old 04-12-2013, 05:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Just an update

SR keeps bugging me saying I haven't posted in awhile so here goes. Actually, I have started to write an update several times in the last few weeks but ended up deleting because it sounded too whiny or I could already "hear" the answers you guys would give me!
After my last post, many of you said very nice things, telling me I was doing a good job, etc. To be honest, I didn't understand. I read back through my post and was like "hmmm, where are they seeing progress? Why are they proud of me?" I still don't quite understand, I guess maybe it's just that I'm not as whiny and I have detached a little?
Anyhow, RAH is still living in his apartment, still not really talking to me. He took the kids for part of spring break because his sister and niece came to visit. It was nice to have a few days alone, but I was surprised at how much I missed the kids. Before (as in, before my husband moved out, back when he was still a very active A), I would welcome any alone time, even just the grocery store. I don't think I "appreciated" my kids back then. Things were always so hectic and frantic. When he was home, life was full of yelling, arguments, etc. When he wasn't home, life was full of worry, stress, etc. I didn't really have time to be a "good" mom, I was too focused on chasing my A or trying to "fix" him. Anyhow, in just 3 short months, I think I have become 10 times better as a mom and I miss them so much when they are gone. They aren't really gone often. He goes to an AA meeting almost everyday, works a full time job and goes out of town often for his job.
Anyhow, here is a little story that I shared at alanon last week. My son had a baseball game that would not be over before my (once a week) alanon meeting started. My husband said he would meet us at the game. I asked if he could stay until the end and bring our son home so I could go to alanon/alateen with my daughter. His response was "well....my "home" meeting is that night too, but yeah, whatever." So...the "old" me would have said, oh never mind, you can go to your meeting....but the "new" me thought to myself, there are literally 10 or more AA meetings in our area every single day from 7am-9pm and many times in between. If he really needs to go to a meeting on that day, he can go to a different one. Alanon on the other hand only has one or two meetings each day and this is the only one with alateen that is convenient. So....we are at the game and I say I'm going to leave in about 15 minutes....and he says..."I don't think it is fair that you go to your meeting since I can't go to mine"! WHAT???? I'm proud to say that I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and left and went to my meeting.
This may not seem like a big deal, but it was very unlike me. I normally would have backed down and told him to go. Throughout this whole separation I have been extremely accomadating and also making things as "easy" as possible for him. As I shared at alanon, I also inform him of everything we are doing, where we are going, etc. They suggested that I "back off" (I also told them that he complains about my texts, emails, calls, etc and says I "annoy" him). Anyhow....this week I have concentrated on just living my own life and tried not to contact him too much. Part of me is thinking....is he going to think I don't care? However, the peacefulness is wonderful. If I'm not talking to him, he isn't being rude, mean or hateful. Yes, there is still the part of me that wants to ask him a million questions like are you ever coming home? Will we ever go to therapy? Is there any chance of us staying together? Etc, etc, etc.
It's very hard to just wait. I do not have a lot of patience. I tend to catastrophize things in my head.
Well, much like my texts/emails/phone calls to him, this post is all over the place and way too long. However....I always get great responses and advice on here, so maybe you guys can muddle through and figure out what I'm even trying to say or ask?!

Last edited by Justshy; 04-12-2013 at 05:48 PM. Reason: Typo
Justshy is offline  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:22 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, your recovery is showing, all right!

It takes practice to learn patience, and how to live with uncertainty. But the rewards are great. Sometimes I get this overwhelming urge to find out what is going to happen with something, so I can jump in and "manage" it, but with time, I have found that many things work out much better when I just let them be and let things develop in their own time.

You're doing great--keep it up!
LexieCat is offline  
Old 04-12-2013, 08:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Justshy View Post
So...the "old" me would have said, oh never mind, you can go to your meeting....but the "new" me thought to myself, there are literally 10 or more AA meetings in our area every single day from 7am-9pm and many times in between.

So....we are at the game and I say I'm going to leave in about 15 minutes....and he says..."I don't think it is fair that you go to your meeting since I can't go to mine"! WHAT???? I'm proud to say that I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and left and went to my meeting.

Anyhow....this week I have concentrated on just living my own life and tried not to contact him too much. Part of me is thinking....is he going to think I don't care? However, the peacefulness is wonderful. If I'm not talking to him, he isn't being rude, mean or hateful.
This above - this is you working on you, and it shows. This is why we say "good job!". This is different then the way you were before. You are mindful to your emotions and your own crazy thinking. That is recovery! You understand there is nothing wrong with asking for what you need, even if someone else doesn't like it. That is real progress!

I hope you can take a few moments to not only enjoy your peace and serenity, but to feel good about yourself. You came here all twisted up in chaos, and have slowly but surely unwound yourself to the place you are today. Sure, it isn't perfect, but it sounds way better than a few months ago.

Keep on keepin on!
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 04-12-2013, 10:34 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
JustShy,

Good for you, my friend.

It truly is the positive steps we take for ourselves that get us to a better place.

You are on your way, stay strong and focused.
marie1960 is offline  
Old 04-13-2013, 05:45 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Thanks for explaining things! I really didn't see where I had made any progress in "recovery" but looking back, yes, I am definitely "better" as in calmer, more patient (a little) and definitely more mindful of myself and my own needs. Still have a looooooong way to go, but will remember "progress not perfection"!
Justshy is offline  
Old 04-13-2013, 06:11 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Yes, there is still the part of me that wants to ask him a million questions like are you ever coming home? Will we ever go to therapy? Is there any chance of us staying together? Etc, etc, etc.
I had this happen too. That rush of anxiety.
I think you are doing great, because you recognize what it is. You are thinking about that feeling before reacting to an old script you know.

When you say, "I am sorry you feel that way." and walk away, that is progress.
Excellent progress.

Beth
wicked is offline  
Old 04-13-2013, 06:14 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
Hey JustShy,

I've read your thread and can't commend you highly enough! I'm currently having a rough time and seeing all the progress you're making gives me that bit of extra strength and aspiration I need to know that I can make it through too!

Well done, keep up the amazing work. You are a star!

K
kasie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:33 AM.