Gforce23

Thanks Soberlicious.

You know, when I talked in my second to last post about the kind of person I was about town, it wasn't so much about being "cool," as it was that I was totally comfortable in that town. I felt really comfortable, and I had great friends and had a lot of acceptance for me and my whatever my foibles are.

I traded that for a dream. Despite all my "coolness," and short term casual relationships in between longer term ones, I've always held a big secret. I just wanted happily ever with someone. I wanted a big fairy tale about girl meets boy, falls in love, has nice wedding, and then has kids, and lives the rest of their days a family. It was big secret, because, I guess part of me didn't really think I deserved it, and I didn't really live my life in a way that would attract that. That desire lived deep down inside of me where no could see it and make fun of me or reject me over it.

So, I got what I thought I wanted. I got a man to marry me, but it turns out, he never really wanted to be married in the first place. I left my wonderful REAL community and all my friends who loved me, warts and all, for something that might not even have been real.

I cannot tell you how many times in the first 2-3 years of living with my husband and going through what I was with him, that I cried myself to sleep with homesickness for my little town in Washington and all the people in it that I loved so dearly.

I've really been pretty alone since then, and I feel like I lost my Mojo, long before I quit drinking. I just wish, that my sense of self worth did not depend so much on feeling like I fit in and have friends.

On the other hand, my little heart just pines for people that I don't have to explain myself to. I had that once, in another lifetime.

I don't care about being "cool" anymore. I'd be happy to just have a few good friends.

I keep trying to connect with some of the other mother's in my kids class, and it's been so difficult. There is a couple that are major movers and shakers in the mountain bike community here, and their little girl goes to my boy's kindergarten. While the husband is nice and talks to me, no matter how hard I try, I cannot get any reciprocity from the wife. Their little girls love my son. They once invited him/us to to the playground (in front of their mom) after school, and she said, "Well, any one can come who wants to." Not, "Oh yeah, that would be great." Uh,wow, yeah great, I feel so personally invited. I went anyway because my son was so exited. I talked with the girls mom at the playground that day, but if I see her in the street, she'll barely give me eye contact, let alone wave at me.

I get this every so often. It's disheartening.

Sorry, I guess I'm feeling really down right now. 4 days of insomnia will do that to a person.

Cheers.