Cleo, I know how you feel. I don't want to go back there either. It is excruciatingly painful for me. I like what RobbyRobot said, it's easy and not easy. I know, for myself that picking up or not picking up expends the say amount of energy. It does get better and some days it doesn't feel like it, but it's better than being in that hell hole of addiction. And it takes some time, so be patient and hang in there.