Hi all
And hey BeMyself! Nice to see you over here
So, everyone, I went on my first ladies night mountain bike ride. I was really nervous. I asked the British woman who was organizing the groups (beginner, intermediate, advanced) what group she thought I should go with, and she rattled off a bunch of questions in rapid succession with the efficiency of a military drill Sargeant:
"How long have you been riding?" "NO, how long this year." "ON these trails?" "No, where?" Arizona, Washington, all over, I tell her. "Right. What style, Cross Country? Are you in good shape?" Pretty good, I say. "Right, go with the intermediate group, they are leaving right now." "Sir yes SIR!" I said, and with a stiff two finger salute, I clicked my heels and took off on my bike with the intermediate group. (O.k, so, I did that last part in my mind.)
In any case, I kept up pretty well with the intermediate ladies. I struggled a lot on some of the technical bits, but considering I just started riding again last summer after 5 years off, with not much technical riding over the last stretch--and, oh yeah and I'm on a new bike. Given all that, I still did pretty darn good. But Lordy, those other ladies are some Mucho Macha Mujers!
So here's where this becomes relevant to my sobriety journey: The ladies group meets at the local pub here for some post-ride grub and beer, and I decided to go. This is the first time I've been to the pub since I quit drinking, and I was pretty worried. But I went, and the leader of my group who was sitting next to me ordered a ginger ale, so I did the same. It was definitely weird being in the bar. It was packed, and it was also the last bar I drank in! But I did all right. I felt extremely awkward around all those women I didn't know. But, a few on the group were really interested in me, (as a person, I think, though you never know...!) and asked me a lot of questions, and where also really encouraging. So, that felt nice. And, I made it through my first social outing at a bar, and didn't drink. I just kept telling myself, "I am a non-drinker... no biggie."
However, I did feel nervous, and I'm definitely seeing how I've used alcohol to deal with my anxiety around people.
You know, I just don't know what happened to me. I used to live in a place where it seemed like I knew everyone. I had tonnes of friends, and I was the music editor and writer for a smallish local indy newspaper, and I also did a few freelance articles for the local paper as well. I had friends at every bar, and ala Hunter S. Thompsan, I hung out at the crappiest ones in the afternoons, where I occasionally got some good news scoops. Everyone knew me. I had friends on every street corner, and when I walked around, there was always someone calling my name from across the street, or a passing car.
And now, what. I'm some lonely lady who's terrified of talking to people I don't know. What the hell happened to me?!
I've been doing a lot of internet research on Social Anxiety and Alcohol use disorders, and I'm coming up with some interesting information. However, I'm going to save that for tomorrow, because this post is A: already way to long, and B: I'm EXHAUSTED.
So, I'm working on a theme for the morning.
Cheers sober strivers!