justanop

Thanks everyone, I really didn't think I would get this many responses.


I go through bouts of being highly motivated with work, to being depressed and stressed out the next week, then back and forth again. Life just seems like a roller coaster. A lot of times I know when I'm drunk I constantly tell people I feel tired which everyone assumes I mean sleepy when I'm actually just tired of everything and its monotony. I feel like I'm stuck and as soon as I make a little progress something happens to set me back. Of course then I'll think about people who are worse off and feel bad that I feel bad. I can logically see that other peoples hardships dont invalidate our own, but I dont know, emotionally it still just feels bad.

I'm exercising daily and trying to take better care of my appearance. I crave companionship and if I get rejected when I put myself out there I just then want to drink to calm myself down. That even feels like a loop thats easy to get stuck in. I think I also tend to push people away. Before drinking I would push people away maybe out of fear of intimacy, now I push people away probably out of fear that I could never tell them about my drinking or things I've done that are sort of taboo subjects.

@least, yeah, it helps to cover up my anxiety. I feel I'm even more nervous then before. Sometimes I shake on my way to a bar or during my first drink.

Also @deeker, I cant respond to your PM since I dont have enough posts yet, but I've read all the replies now.

I took yesterday off from work because I woke up feeling buzzed with throwup in my bed. Ima spend the rest of the night catching up on work and trying not to think too much on it.

Thanks again for the messages.