justanop

Is there a place on here where I can post and reply to my own thread daily to sort of just ramble each day so I can have a record of how I'm feeling concerning drinking?

I'm 26 and have been drinking for the past 4 years. Before drinking I had no debt and good credit, now I'm heavily in debt with no savings and spending all of my income + some every month which the biggest expenses happening when I'm drinking. After I have a drink or two I just sort of keep drinking even though I'll start with the intention of stopping after 1-3. I drive drunk from bar to strip club to strip club drinking until I wake up throwing up in my bed. I do this about 2-3 times a month and in between every time I decide to not do it again. Most times I'll have overdrafted my account and spent money that was supposed to go towards bills/cc payments. I get paid monthly so once I overdraft I basically scrounge until I'm paid again, and then I catch up on bills. I'm fine for a week or so then repeat the process.

I wrote out a pros/cons for stopping drinking and continuing to drink and it seems I just drink to feel good, numb away any stress I have, and it gives me the courage to get shot down aswell as the courage to solicit escorts afterwards. I dont have any friends and the bartenders/staff are the only people I interact with outside of my work. Family members only contact me when they want/need money, and if I ever contact them to talk they'll just ask for money.

All I want in life is to just get married and have kids. Sometimes I think if I had people depending on me I wouldn't have become so reckless.

Because I spend a lot at the bars I go to they are constantly inviting me to like free wine tastings, and give me free drinks here and there throughout my time there probably knowing the drunker I get the more and more freely I spend/tip.

I feel kind of like I'm unable to connect with people and alcohol gives me the illusion of fitting in and connecting.